4. I WASN'T SURE IF YOU'D ANSWER

I Wasn't Sure If You'd Answer

Sleep brought them together in calmer scenarios. Both when they were alone and in the flesh, but unlike when they were together, sleep, when it was just Ennis, was slow to answer his beckoning most nights. A shot of Comfort, a hot shower, some random talk radio channel barely heard, and the monotone humming of his trusted space heater lulled him well enough into a state of relaxation, but it wasn't enough to lay his mind to rest. Especially when the ideal gentleness of his blue-eyed other half stayed firmly with him, tonight was one of those nights he'd come to find out. He thought he'd be too tired to even be able to form any coherent memories of them together but remembers that he knows better than to expect to own any control over how his mind reminds him of things that layout of his reach.

He huffs.

If he couldn't sleep, he figured he could give in to another cigarette, but the coziness of his bed made him do otherwise. Besides, he read somewhere that they didn't make sleeping problems any easier to deal with.

He brings his hands to his face and sighs heavily into the darkness.

Restlessness, he figured being the culprit to his problems, has been quick to break him. Nothing he's ever been one to experience in the past, but as of late, for the past couple of months especially, he can't help but feel like there's something wrong with his setup.

The loneliness.

He can hear Jr's last invitation in his head.

She had made it very known to him that she was very against him spending another holiday alone.

(JR) "Daddy... there ain't no need in you doin' this for another year... we got more n' enough room ta' welcome you. I'm sure momma n' Monroe would enjoy seein' you. Me n' Jenny jus' hate knowin' yer out there alone. You know we do... You know I do."

She had to bring it up once during the month, and he let her. Knowing it was only in his best interest that he had another somebody looking out for his well-being. He had just grown accustomed to spending this time alone... if he couldn't spend it with Jack.

~

Ennis had made the successful effort of spending a significant holiday with Jack.

A New Year's Eve in their early 30's was the most he could give without feeling guilty or rather any more than he already felt.

He made it well known to Alma and the girls that this was a gift to himself, and he needed nothing else. Alma kept her mouth tight... knowing... She figured he hadn't left her and had even gifted her the most beautiful sundress that year. Charming her even further with an open mouth and what came out of it.

(E) "I ain' never seen somethin' that reminded me a you n' the way a clothes before. I saw it in a window downtown n' couldn't stop seein' you in it. I figure we... can go on a trip somewhere we ain' never thought ta' go before n' you could go n' put it on. I'm sure you'll look right pretty in it."

So, as she had learned to do so well, she kept her pain as silent as her husband had kept his secret and muted her hatred with hugs and kisses between her & the girls and gave way to tears in her privacy.

He convinced himself he was doing his best. Balancing the two... but thinking on it too much, especially thinking of Alma in all of it, irritated him. He never asked for any of this. Is a reassurance he was too familiar with. She couldn't know any better, and she enjoyed the gift... it was enough for him for the time being until he was pressured into choosing between her & the girls and Jack at some other inevitable crossroad.