Petal [h.s.]

FORTY-NINE - SPREADING YOU OPEN

Arabella would be furious with me if she found out. It was another reason I loved her. Jessie wouldn't have cared if I sold every item of sentimental value, if it meant she got what she wanted in return. But Arabella would rather go without than let me give up the things that mean the most to me. She put me first, she always put me first. It was why I wanted so badly to put her first. It was why I wanted to take care of her, because she didn't expect it. She didn't need it. But she deserved it.

I sighed as I stared down at the necklace, snapping the box shut and slid it into my pocket. I locked the safe once more before creeping my way out of my father's home office.

But when I got back to my flat, I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't sell something that once meant so much to her. I stared at that necklace for ages and remembered the way I watched it gleam on her suntanned neck every summer. She rarely took it off, it was her favorite piece. I couldn't sell it. But I also didn't want to return it to my father.

It deserved to be seen, to be worn and loved. My mum wouldn't want it tucked away, collecting dust. She would want it to be cherished. She would want it to gleam on the neck of someone I loved.

I stuffed it into my weekend bag and pulled out the small box that held my own cufflinks instead. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked down at them for the first time in years. At one point in my life, I thought I'd wear them on my wedding day to Jessica. Now, I couldn't imagine wearing them for anyone but Arabella.

And since I couldn't marry her... I might as well get rid of them.

My heart was heavy as I entered the pawn shop later that night, offering them up sadly. I knew they were worth a lot of money. The diamonds were nearly perfect clarity and they were made of the purest gold money could buy. I also knew that a pawn shop in the Wasteland had probably never seen anything of such value in their shop before and I felt almost guilty for selling them there.

The man behind the counter looked shocked as he examined them. He looked back up at me in awe and stumbled over his words as he told me that he couldn't possibly pay what they were worth. I thought about just taking them with me to New York to sell them there instead, but I thought I'd have a better chance of tracking them back down later on if I sold them in the Wasteland.

I told the man to offer me whatever he could manage. It wasn't even half of what they were worth, but it was enough for me to enjoy the weekend with Arabella without a second thought about my shop and the money I'd lose from closing for four days.

I saw Arabella every night up until Thursday. I made her pancakes Sunday morning and we fucked again on my couch, a slow, steady session that left us both feeling closer than ever. I was reluctant to let her go home after that, but she promised she would be back.

Each night after that, I'd leave my balcony door unlocked before I went to bed and she'd sneak her way in. I'd wake up to her body slipping into my blankets, curling around my own, slightly chilly from the air outside. She kissed my back and stroked my hair to send me back asleep and I found that it came to me easily when she was touching me.

My nightmares turn to dreams with her next to me. I didn't know it was possible to feel so comfortable and relaxed with another person until she came along. I knew that she wanted more from me. I couldn't help but wonder if this could be enough for her. If she could have me like this for the rest of her life and be happy. Deep down, I knew she couldn't. I knew she wanted and deserved more than what I currently offered her, but I hoped. I prayed. I begged every god. I wanted this to be enough.

I told Jessie that I was going to visit a friend in Connecticut and she didn't even seem to register or care that I'd be gone for four days. I didn't bother saying a word to my father. He'd only notice I was gone if Jessie decided to throw a fit about it and I knew she wouldn't. I figured she had to know the affair had started up again. When I wasn't with Arabella, I was spending a lot of drunken time with her. But now I was freezing her out again. She didn't say a word about it. She just eyed me quietly and took in all of the marks left on my neck by my lover.