Thoughts and questions

Wondering words

When I was a kid to grow as an adult is a dream to me. I thought it would be fun, to finally be free in my parents home. Able to do what I like . I'm just most of normal kids back then. I play outside, go to my friend's house. Making fun of adults, sometimes. Run up our asses because some old people are scary.

Eat ,sleep,play and scared to curse words because I might be beaten by my grown ups family. You know what I mean, discipline us back then is like your commiting crimes today. You will hit by bamboo sticks, belt or you're kneeling on a salt with your hands on the back. Was it painful? Yes,, hella yes! I was taught to respect others at home and at school. I do learn a lot, I wish I can go back in time to experience it again.

The sweetest moment I'm able to experience are the treats by my family including my closest cousins. They won't make me feel like I'm outsiders not because I'm not special. Likely not having a good family fortune. Yeah, I'm from lower class status but we eat three times a day, able to have a merienda sometimes. That's my day go round and round. Then every year my age added. I starting to question the situation on our life. The first word is WHY?

Why I can't have that? Why we can't buy those? Why I can't go there? Why always me? I don't have any exciting elementary days. I just attend school, study, talk with friends. That's it. But When Highschool comes, suddenly I give a way for sister to finish her fourth grade. Don't even dare to ask why I have to stop from entering my first highschool. Feeling lost everything change on my perspective view. Funny thing is my sister didn't finish her fourth grade. She drop out,I don't know why ? What's her reason not to finish it. Again I didn't asks her because I'm thinking ' I Am Allowed to say those QUESTIONS? ' I don't think so.

Entering the first grade was okay, I meet a lot of new friends although some of my elementary classmates are ahead of me now it still fine to me, until second grade it getter bigger and bigger. Studying become my favorite things to do and drawing. I love arts! Really into any types of activities because of it. Sometimes students come to my classroom and asked a favor to me which I accept it. It helping me too to develop my social anxiety. Gladly to graduate second grade.

Third Grade in highschool involved my family situation. My mother got sick and it worsen day by day. I'm on my thoughts SHOULD I DROP MY SCHOOL AND HELP THEM TO TAKE CARE OF HER? NO, NOT TODAY! that's my guts saying to me.

Getting up early as four thirty in the morning to prepare breakfast for my other younger siblings and help some of them to take a shower. As I remember the first born, my brother is working that moment so he's barely coming back at home. My father is working too but the job doesn't come everyday. The second born is on her reveled moments which make me have a inner angry feeling. She help in the morning but sometimes she said a words that wasn't good. Is it normal for the daughter's to speak those ? I don't know.

Can't even help to earn money, I decided to finish my highschool so I might be able to find a work, earn money and help them. I didn't make any trouble at my highschool days. I helped whoever needs a hand. I study even I'm incomplete of the things i need, I study even I'm sleepless for taking care of my mother at night until morning. I've gotten a 4 hours of sleep of sometimes more less.

I'm turning 18 after graduating at highschool. She can't attend my graduation like my elementary graduation day. My grandmother from my mother's side is the one who come with me at my graduation day. I'm grateful because of her. My father never attend any of my activities in school. I don't know why either. It's makes me sad in some way, it's makes me angry inside.

WAS HE NOT PROUD OF HIS OWN DAUGHTERS??? THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM HIM. He even don't have a think moment telling me WHAT WILL I REACH ON MY DRAWINGS? it was a HAMMER to My Heart to my Confidence on art. It's breaking me into pieces. I don't know if he hate me that much? That's when I distance my love for him as my father. I don't care anymore. As if it become blurred to me. There's a broken pieces inside me that even a sorry speech can't heal it.