Follow Me

Contradictory Thoughts

It's been six years since the fate of my structured future was revealed to me, and still I am no closer to a breath of freedom. This is the way our lives are moulded in Abnegation, we do as instructed and in return we are told we are whole. We are tricked into a sense of security and completion. We are trapped behind the prison of our small comprehension and told it is a haven. I am partially ashamed of the fact that I cannot be lulled into such a confused state of mind.

I should be more compliant but such a notion is, in my mind, worse than upsetting others with my defiance. How my wonderfully selfless parents nurtured me into such a rebellious person I will never know, it is an mystery even Erudite would be defeated by . It is my parents disappointment that burdens me the most, like every time their gaze turns to me they are reminded of a lost cause they never managed to help. My selfishness brings shame to them and my only form of redemption is to agree with my arranged marriage. It will serve as proof of my worth and secure my role in life.

In some ways I find it endearing how my parents chose to care for me in such a way. It may not be as I expected but after six years of the knowledge and as much time to contemplate the fact, I have grown to realise the kindness hidden behind such a gesture. They have planned my life and ensured my future, they have given me a purpose and handed me my life's goals on a silver platter. I should be eternally grateful.

But this is  merely a prime example of Abnegations pathological turmoil to achieve segregation and agreement. And I curse the fact that I am able to see through the lie. My arranged marriage is a sentence to silence my voice and allow the power system to continue its reign. If I voiced such thoughts that contradict the hierarchy I would be left on the streets as a factionless. That, I am assured, is a fate undesirable and one to be avoided at all costs, even one as high as mine.

The track lines come to a halt and I am jarred from my  treacherous thoughts only to be delivered at my school. Caleb, my brother, kindly hands me my satchel and I accept it, a fleeting smile gracing my face. My expression remains emotionless as we travel towards our lines, I find that being able to master such body language comes in handy in Abnegation. I continued forth until me and my brother were waiting orderly in our cue. No one talked as that would draw attention to us, so we simply stood stationary for our line to proceed onwards.

In sheer desperation for some form of entertainment I turned my head slightly, making sure it wasn't noticeable, and peered through the corner of my eye. All the other factions were buzzing with life, excited for the aptitude tests going on throughout the day. Erudite were studying as per usual, I wondered if they were planning their answers but soon shook the notion away, I shouldn't be curious. Amity was busy laughing and playing, I wouldn't be surprised if they took something to keep them so happy, my nose wrinkled slightly at the sight of them. People shouldn't be so happy all the time, it makes you ignorant to reality and that could be very dangerous, left to them we would be skipping around with dandelions in our hair all day. Candor's people were in heated discussions about truths I have no doubt, but Dauntless was no where to be seen.

Just as I was giving up hope of sourcing some entertainment in the crowds the loud thump of boots filled the waiting area. People's feet could be heard as they pounded the tarmac, a mass of sprinting lunatics ran forth into my field of vision. Dauntless had come to our salvation once again.

As they all barged into a cluster of unorganised chaos the doors to school opened and we entered.

For Abnegations offspring school was uneventful, we could never answer a question or doodle in our notebooks. Our education consisted of handing out books and being taunted. As painful an existence it may be I thought of it as character building, it helped me control my emotions and restrain my defiance. At least school taught me something. 

After first break, which consisted of packing away the classroom tools, me and Caleb were called forth for our aptitude tests. The test rooms were part of an entirely different wing of the school, one of which you are only allowed to enter for your test at sixteen. I had never dared to enter the vicinity, unlike some dauntless who were dared to break in. Although not consisting of the same theme as our classrooms, the building did not surprise me. It was very clinical in its appearance and that unsettled me, I didn't like doctors prodding me. I thought more about that and realised this would be worse, instead of surveying my body they would be analysing my mind.

Caleb must have sensed my unsettled state as he reached out to squeeze my hand. The contact startled me, we rarely shared more than a brief handshake in Abnegation and yet here Caleb was holding my hand. He retracted it just as quickly and I was left staring at his turned face. He too seemed troubled, I should have noticed or done something, that wasn't very selfless of me. I need to do better. After I finished scolding myself I was ready to comfort him but I was too late.

"Beatrice Prior" exclaimed a young lady clutching a clipboard. I raised from my chair shooting Caleb a small smile and then walked towards the test room.

I walked along the street solemnly pondering the results of my test, I hoped it would show Abnegation and I would know that I was able to keep up my façade. Be careful what you wish for...

But my test only furthered the confusion between my heart and mind, shouldn't they be cooperating? They should be singing in harmony not contradicting one another. I must have my wires mixed up, something must be wrong with me. I guess that's what the test proved.

I was broken out of my thoughts by a frail women in mismatched clothes, it was unwise to take the long route but I needed time to collect my thoughts.

"Do you... Have any spare food?" The lady croaked and I flinched slightly scared by her witch-like appearance. But she was nothing mystical or dangerous, she was like me. Unfortunately I may be just like her too soon.

"Yes, of course" I said whilst reaching into my bag for a snack I no longer had the appetite for. As I observed her gingerly taking the bread and scurrying off all fear I held in her regard dissipated. She was the one that was scared, she didn't need me to fear her as I am sure she will not benefit from it. In that moment I realised that she was like a mirror reflection of myself. I had read a fairy tale once, further proof of my rebellion and difference, it talked of a magical mirror that showed your destiny and revealed to you a possible future. That would be me if I continued to deny who I was. I wouldn't belong and I would be stuck in Abnegation suffering in silence. And then I realised how terrified I was of that.

I couldn't let that happen, even if it meant being selfish. If the people of Abnegation thought I should be tortured in such a way then they were not selfless, If they were willing to make me suffer in order to retain their system of power then they didn't deserve it.

In that moment, walking through the factionless streets on my way home, I realised that this was just one big metaphor. And that the house I lived in was not home. I made a promise to myself, that I would start being selfish and save myself from this fate. My mind wondered momentarily to Marcus's son Tobias, was I abandoning him? No, I would cause trouble and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

Others may view this as selfish and maybe it was, but I would no longer be kept in silence. I would break free of my obligations and allow myself to think. To feel, to be free. I would fight.

My parents nodded at me as they always did when I entered our house, they were none the wiser. And I was determined to keep it that way until the choosing ceremony. By leaving this world in my wake I would be able to fully accept myself and become whole. I could finally take hold of my divergence. 

I don't own the Divergent series...

-poloponymad