She had turned her phone off after the fourth call from Alex, she wasn't ready to talk to him yet. Before she answered she had to get an understanding of her feelings.
She arrived and her mum hugged her tightly, already calming Olivia down - she had a lot of time to overthink whilst staring out the train window at the fields and setting sun.
"Hey Mum." She greeted with the best smile she could.
Parents, especially mothers, always seem to know when something is wrong. Ellen brought her hands up to Olivia's face, "You okay?" She asked worriedly.
Olivia pushed her hands down with an affectionate eye roll. "Yeah, just have a lot on my mind, I guess." She shrugged.
Suddenly, as the door closed behind Olivia and she was taking off her coat, a small dog came running up to her, trying to climb up her long legs. "Fred's clearly missed you." Her mum stated with a smile.
Olivia bent down to stroke him as she looked up and revealed with a mischievous smirk, "That's because I always give him extra biscuits."
Being home really did help. She was still constantly thinking about Alex but it didn't give her the same intense sick feeling as before.
It was 11pm and they were watching random British tv shows of channel 4, neither entirely paying attention. Her mum was reading and Olivia was scrolling on her phone - distracting herself.
Her mum was on her way to bed when she put a hand on her shoulder and said,"You know you can tell me what's wrong. I'm might even be able to help."
Olivia thought for a moment before asking, "Why did you and dad not work out?"
"Oh, well lots of reasons really. We started dating when we were really young and as we grew up we changed and weren't the same people we fell in love with. Plus he's a fucking lazy sod, didn't wash a plate in his life." She explained.
Olivia laughed then asked, "Do you regret it?"
"Of course not. He gave me you, that's plenty to be thankful for."
Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile before clarifying, "Would you regret it if you didn't have me?"
"No, no I wouldn't. He made me happy for a long time and even when it ended it was nice to know that I had something really good for a while."
Olivia nodded "Thank you." She mumbled.
"Anytime." She smiled before leaving Olivia alone and going to bed.
Olivia was bundled up on the sofa, huddled up in a blanket. It was 2 am and she suddenly got the courage and urge to call Alex. All she wanted was to speak to him and hopefully work it out. She hoped that she was just overthinking and it wasn't as big of deal and she thought it was.
After speaking to her mum she came to the conclusion that she don't want to loose Alex. She was even opening up to the idea of dating or at least attempting and if it didn't work out then they will just go back to being friends. If they broke up the world wouldn't have to end.
She was shocked that he answered and she had forgotten completely what she was going to say so she just quickly blurted out an apology, "Sorry for not calling."
"Hmm." He hummed and she suddenly felt her cheeks turn red in nervousness.
"How have you been?" She asked.
"I think we're past small talk." He said harshly and Olivia winced.
"Are you mad at me?"
"You kissed me and then ignored me so, yeah, you could say I'm a little pissed off."
Her mood had changed drastically, obviously she understood why he was annoyed with her but the fact that he was so quick to argue with her instead of treating her with the understanding that he usually did had made her suddenly realise that she was always right - they would never work out.
"I was scared. I was scared because I knew this would happen." She tried to explain.
Alex scoffed annoyed at the excuse. "You could've at least let me know that you were alright! You weren't at your house, you weren't answering my calls and I had to call Lauren just to find out you've gone to Bristol."
"And I'm sorry, okay." She apologised helplessly.
"Yeah, whatever." He muttered clearly very annoyed.
"Come on, you don't have to be like that." She told him, growing frustrated at his tone and attitude. All hope was beginning to fade and she had completely disregarded the possibility of working things.
"Like what?"
"All fucking moody with me."
Alex really tried to restrain his anger but her obliviousness and blatant ignorance was really getting on his nerves. How could she expect him not to moody, he was actually feeling like he was being fairly reasonable all things considered.
"I just don't really have the time to be fucking treated like an idiot."
"How have I treated you like an idiot?"
"Because you're constantly flirting with me and then when you've got me exactly where you want me you fuck off. I don't hear from you all week and now you think saying sorry is going to fix it all."
"I just needed time to think."
"And?" He asked coldly.
"I was really drunk and you had just broken up with Arielle - we both probably weren't thinking entirely." She began, though it didn't feel like a reasonable excuse. She sighed as she told him, "I don't want to argue with you, I just want to go back to being friends."
"I don't want to be just friends with you. I'm not satisfied with just the thought of having you."
"What if I don't want to be anything more?"
"I can't ignore it anymore I've tried. It's torture to be around you. I want you so badly that it quite literally hurts seeing you and not having you. Being friends isn't good enough for me. I can't be friends with you without wanting you, I just can't."
"Why can't we just be friends? We're good as friends.", She pleaded desperately already feeling him slipping away.
"Your fucking ridiculous, you know? You can't kiss me and expect me to forget about it."
"So you don't want to try and talk about it?"
"I think my times been wasted enough."
"So you don't care at all, because I don't want to fuck you I've been a 'waste of your time'?"
"Is that what you really think about me? That I just care about fucking you? Jesus Christ. I'm hurt because you've been leading me on."
"I thought we were friends."
"You have a weird way of treating your friends."
"What's that meant to mean?"
"You kiss me. You flirt me whilst I'm dating Arielle even though your friends with her."
"Your joking right!" She argued growing angry at his accusation, "That wasn't flirting. Arielle was my fucking friend and I actually liked you both together. I'm sorry that you read into things but not once did I try and break you two up. You're blaming me for your feelings."
"I've got to go." He suddenly clipped.
She was going to say 'see you later' but quickly realised that she probably wouldn't be seeing him again so she coughed and started again, "Yeah okay, bye." She quickly hung up throwing her phone across the living room and onto the grey rug and she hugged her legs close to her chest, the blanket slipping off her shoulders as she cried. It felt official. There was no going back and she couldn't fix it.
Even without dating him she lost him - it felt like it was inevitable. She had never been heartbroken - she made sure it was impossible by closing herself off - but this felt scarily close.
SEVENTEEN
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