Alone

Growing up is never easy. Some get off lightly though, others like myself are destined to struggle through life. I was never the happiest child. People saw me as being too girly. Fact was, from a young age I was different.

Anyone that knows about gay rights and hate crimes would know about Wyoming. It's the state I grew up in and the state I always lived in. 

From an early age I knew I was gay. I liked looking at boys instead of girls. I dreamed about kissing boys. Even though I never told anyone, they knew. People always seemed to know. They were not happy about it.

One person that always loved and supported me through everything was Ben. Ben was my older brother. When I say older, there were only fourteen months between us, but he was still my big brother.

We shared a bed when we were kids and sometimes as teenagers, always closer than most brothers. I think he always knew. He never made me feel bad about it, even talking to me about boys I liked. That was Ben. We looked alike, but were not a bit alike in other senses.

Both blond hair, blue eyed boys. Tall and muscular. But Ben was happy, bubbly and confident. I was shy, quiet and awkward. Ben never cared though, he would come home straight after practice and we would hang out. He would even leave his girlfriend early to hang out with me.

Our parents preferred Ben. Hell, our whole family did. All the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins loved Ben. He was Ben, everyone loved him. Especially me. I was his biggest fan and he was mine.

Ben hated our family, he hated the small town we grew up in and the people in it. He looked up the Matthew Shepard story when he was sixteen. He would always tell me that he didn't want that to be me. Tortured and murdered and left to die. But Ben couldn't do everything.

He would beat up my bullies, he would stick up for me. But that did not discourage them. They always came back. No matter how hard I tried to stay silent and invisible. They always found me. Some would beat me up. Others would taunt me.

Things change quickly though. Nothing lasts forever. I never knew how cruel life could be. I wish I had known back then what was in store for me. It wouldn't have changed anything, but I would have been prepared for the heartbreak and pain.

On my seventeenth birthday the worst day of my life, the unimaginable happened. Ben and I were on the school bus on our way to a game with our school when the bus crashed. Everyone escaped unharmed apart from me. I ended up getting caught by a metal bar. 

Ben always the hero helped me out. While everyone else got off the bus, he stayed behind to help me. He managed to get the bar out of my arm and helped me to the rest of the class. Unfortunately, a car was coming toward us and I didn't see it in time. Ben knocked me out of the way, but got hit himself.

He was eighteen years old. We buried him beside our great-grandparents. Everyone blamed me for Ben's death. People said it should have been me, and I agreed with him.

Waking up I could see the clouds in the sky. I looked over to the side and saw Ben's grave. I slept there most nights. It was the only way I could feel close to him.

Ben Ryan

Died: 25h February 2012

Gone too soon.

Loved by all.

I smiled sadly as I remembered the time he told me he hated that on a headstone. He had always hated things like that and would say. "There's no point in saying they're gone too soon. When you go you go, there's nothing that's going to change that. No amount of tears or saying they are gone too soon."