You Just Don't Get It

Sedation

dee's pov~

I've been sedated for about a week. I can't really move, I just feel so tired, I sleep, then wake up and don't do anything. It kinda sucks but I mean, it's better then pain. Once they get the results back they're gonna take me off and do whatever they need to do. I hope that's just some kind of medication and then I live on my life like normal.

I don't think they know I can hear them.

Sedation makes me feel gross. I'm sweaty. They have to roll me over so I don't get bed sores, and to wipe me down so I don't stink. Still do sometimes. Adult diapers are disgusting, especially when you go and you can feel it, then you don't get changed for a couple more hours. I'm so exposed and cold, there's no blanket. The robe is thin and because it's open at the bottom. Everyone who walks in gets a full view of my diapered ass. My legs are splayed out. My hair is so greasy and in tight pigtail braids until it's able to be washed again. My IV is itchy, but it's also giving me substance. And it's keeping me like this, without pain so it's not terrible. Whenever my family visits or someone stays the night they hold my hand. Most of the time they're worried so their hand is clammy but I don't mind, so long as I feel that comfort. Mama kisses my forehead. Heavy puts his hand on my face and rubs my cheek, which we do to each other. Whenever the other is anxious, on the verge of a mental breakdown, having an emotional outburst because they're over tired. It's comforting, not only for me but for him. I think he thinks I'm dying, maybe I am. Papa reads his book out-loud, like he did whenever I was little and couldn't sleep. Right now he's reading "What's to be Done?" by Nikolay Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky. I've read the book before, it's interesting. I think he has too, but it's comforting being able to imagine these characters that I'm familiar with.

The worst is when I'm left alone with my thoughts. The only time that I'm not alone when my family isn't here is when a doctor or nurse comes in. Put more whatever in my IV, roll me over, change me, whatever. The rest of the time it's dead silent. And I hate it. No TV, no comfort, just quiet. I imagine my funeral sometimes, but that gets to a point of crying near every time. Except I can't physically cry exactly. Just in my head.

I hear the door open, and feel a hand hold mine. And a different hand hold the other one too. Mama and Papa must both be here. The door closes and a man starts talking.

"So Mr. and Mrs. Shvagenbagen, we have 2 diagnoses. Gastroparesis and POTS. Gastroparesis is essentially his stomach is partially paralyzed. It causes stomach aches and a lot more. The solution is fairly easy, we'll put in an NG tube, a type of feeding tube that goes through his nose down his throat to his stomach. He'll take meds down the tube, and get all his 'food' persay. It'll be formula, water, lots of different things to make sure his body gets what he needs. He may need some help at first, but after a while he should get settled into the routine. We'll give you a feeding schedule, and those are non negotiable at first. As he and his body get used to the new way of eating they can change as needed. Absolutely no food or medication by mouth without speaking to his doctor first. Water in moderation is okay, but no more then a few tiny sips a day. With POTS, salt can help, a little salt before water is good. He'll have to move slower than normal especially while getting up. In reality, there is no way to absolutely stop POTS. We have this all typed out for you by the way. We'll slowly take him off of sedation and onto morphine, then we'll cut him off when we see fit. So long as we don't do it too fast. If so, he could get drug withdrawal. And that's a whole other can of worms. We'll have to wait until he's conscious enough to swallow to get that tube in, but in the meantime do you two have any questions?"

Papa's voice breaks the small silence. "Will the throwing up stop?"

"Mostly yes. Though he may have bouts of throwing up at times, it won't be nearly as much as before. The pain will minimize, as will the vomiting. But when he does vomit, there's a chance the feeding tube will come up too."

"So the feeding tube is visible, correct?"

"Yes sir. Online you can buy some fun tapes to keep it in place on his face. Here's an image of what it will look like, so yes, it will be mostly visible."

"He isn't gonna like that." Mama states. She's right.

"A lot of teenagers hate the thought of having a tube sticking out of their nose but his quality of life will shoot up." The thought of throwing up every day makes me wanna sob.

"Dee wears quite a bit of makeup, will there be any hinderance of doing that?"

"No foundation underneath the tape. It'll compromise its stickiness. But I've had adolescent patients have plain white stickers and they put foundation over it, along with a little design. He can do what he wishes, so long as there is no makeup under the tape." Thank god. "We're going to reduce his sedation, to the point where he can in fact open his eyes and have minimal movements. Maybe even have a conversation. We can still talk while a nurse does that."

"Is this terminal?"

"Neither are. There is medication that will help though."

I feel different stuff in my IV and I feel, less helpless I guess?

We sit there for a while, Mama and Papa asking questions. They squeeze my hand whenever they ask questions about living alone and quality of life. Once the lighter sedative settles, which takes a while, I squeeze back. My eyes peel open slowly. It's hard to open them and even harder to keep them open. But I fight my body.

"He's up! Oh Dee." She kisses me all over my face, and though I thought it forgot, my face smiles. Then I realize how tired I am, so I fall asleep.

I hope my life is better after the hospital. I hope everybody forgets what happened in the cafeteria.