Dear Jillian

2.

The second letter was as easy as the first, and Erin decided it was in this letter she was going to make a confession, hoping that maybe it would make things easier, give her to confidence boost she needed, the courage she needed. And not just for her own benefit, but for Holtzmann too. Maybe, just maybe it would even help Holtz to heal, to know she was wanted, loved, desired.

Dear Jill,
I want to marry you, she wrote, her pen gliding easily over the page of the notebook. I want to be your wife, I want you to be mine. I want to propose. Do you think I need to ask your Dad? Should it be traditional? Should I ask his permission. I love your Dad, he loves us too. Maybe I should ask him. I want to do it right Jill. I want it to be perfect. But at the same time I don't want to wait.

Jill, I have the ring. I do. I bought a ring for you.

I've had it for so long. It's in my desk drawer. I bought it months ago. Because I knew I wanted to marry you. I knew I loved you from the first moment I locked eyes with you, and I knew I couldn't bear to live life without you.

Erin paused taking in a sharp breath, her pen dropping from her hand and she felt tears spike her eyes and she brought a hand to her mouth in an attempt to console herself. She blinked a few times, swallowing hard, not allowing the tears to spill over, and she took in a small shaky breath. She swallowed again, attempting to focus, her mind shifting to thoughts of a life without the blonde and she shook her head a little, focus focus, she thought and picked up the pen again.

I think I might propose to you this weekend. Maybe? I don't know. I'm not going to tell Abby and Patty, even though I want to, but I think I want us to surprise them. They're going to be so happy for us.

Erin rolled her lips into her mouth, the realisation that her two friends suddenly felt like acquaintances, she was feeling the loss, their loss, the loss of Abby and Patty. Things were still so strained. And she felt her anxieties rise again, her self doubt, questioning every action. Abby was a lifelong friend, Patty was going to be a lifelong friend and now she questioned all of it.

Holtzmann had helped her with her anxieties long before they became a couple. The blonde taking the woman's hand, bringing it to her lips to press a kiss, she would make eye contact, not looking away and she would tell Erin to breathe, to focus on her, that everything was under control, there was no chaos, the chaos was in her head, and her head only. Erin would nod, but sometimes her heartbeat would increase when Holtz consoled her, because sometimes she struggled to breathe because it was Holtz, because there was Holtz, because she craved Holtz. The blonde would let Erin bury her face into her neck, the engineer holding her tight, to stop her shaking, to calm her, to help her breathing regulate. It was the softness of the woman's skin that calmed Erin, the way the blonde wasn't afraid to push her entire body into her, to hold her firm, instruct her to breathe, to breathe with her, whisper that she didn't need to panic, there was no need to feel anxious, but it was okay that she felt like that. It was okay to feel. It was okay to feel the rush of adrenaline. If that's how her body reacted, if that was the way her mind worked then that was okay. Because Holtzmann always promised Erin she would be there to make her feel okay. Feel safe.

'I will always keep you safe,' Holtzmann had murmured into Erin's cheek on one particularly tough day, the blonde holding the older woman in her arms as they stood at her desk and Erin attempted a nod, her breathing was quick, shallow.

'If I'm not by your side for some reason then you need to call me, and I'll come running okay.'

Erin had nodded again, pulling her face away from the warmth of the blonde's and they shared a smile, and she blushed, wanting to thank the woman in some way, say something that was more than an uttered, thank you.