The Neighbour

EIGHT

I can certainly see why Freddie values her friendship so much.

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

She grins and peeks into my arms.

"I can't believe he's a dad."

I smile.

"He doesn't know it yet, but this'll be the best thing that's ever happened to him."

I agree.

"How old is she?"

"I'm not sure," I reply. "I'd say a month. Maybe two?"

We both fuss over her, in awe of her cuteness.

"Do you want a hold?" I ask.

She practically snatches her from me. "Fuck, yeah!"

I like Caroline's personality. She's a fantastic mum to both her children but knows how to have a good time. Often, we're told once we have kids, life is over. But that's not true. You can have kids and still be your own person. Caroline is proof of that.

"She looks like him."

I nod.

"Beautiful."

Charlotte gargles and settles into Caroline's arms.

"Don't tell him I said this, but Freddie is a very handsome man."

I laugh.

"Seriously, don't tell him. He'd never let me live it down."

"Your secret is safe with me," I promise.

Caroline and I continue to chat whilst Charlotte rests in her arms. I learn that she's been Freddie's work partner for ten months and that the pair thrive on their love/ hate relationship. Caroline and Simon have been married for seven years and during that time have moved house three times. Caroline returns the favour and asks questions about me, and I tell her all about Nan and Helen. I deliberately don't mention Josh, figuring future Ana wouldn't do that. What Caroline said about becoming the new me has really resonated. I like Freddie but past trauma and self-doubt is stopping me from acting on it. And I shouldn't have to deny myself what I want because I'm conditioned to believe I don't deserve happiness. I do—however—understand the importance of communicating my thoughts to Freddie. My actions sometimes contradict what I'm saying and that's not fair. I can't continue giving him mixed signals.

"You're quiet," he says, once we're inside the elevator at the apartment complex.

We left the party shortly after the cake was cut and Charlotte went through every one of her nappies.

"Yeah."

Freddie looks concerned.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I ask.

He nods, briefly checking on Charlotte before offering me his full attention. "What's up?"

"Caroline gave me some good advice before," I explain. "She told me to stop chasing the old me and start focusing on becoming the new me."

Freddie smiles, seemingly approving.

"The new me really likes you, Freddie."

My stomach twists as I admit that, automatically preparing myself for the inevitable rejection.

"Good," he replies. "I really like you too."

I don't know how to react, so I quickly move on. "Sex."

He laughs. "What about it?"

"I want to," I assure. "Have sex with you, I mean."

Again, he laughs, amused by my honesty no doubt.

"I just need something casual."