Change

Changes - edited

Everyone wants to have the best that they could have. Most strive to have a comfortable life, where you'd never know of hunger or living paycheck to paycheck. After all, who’d want a brittle life? If you can have comfort and safety at your fingertips, wouldn’t you reach out for it too? 

My family was no exception to this desire. They’d want me to know not of any hardships like they experienced. To turn my direction away from a hand swelled with calluses and spending nights with a candle as my only light. Their life chipped away like a rock that was worn out from all the rain and storm a rock can take, and they made sure that I knew it very well.

As their child, they instructed me to get the best education and ensure a bright future. I rolled off to the path that they wanted me to take. I placed high importance on getting good grades, getting the biggest stars. I memorized the lessons the teachers taught. I studied hard to maintain my ranking. And I succeeded. They cheered on my academic achievements, and how I was strong like a rock was. How my abilities were as rare as the ones you’d see underneath the ground, hidden upon layers upon layers of dirt and stone. And now, discovered. But they also cheered about how I can be so much, much better.

In my final year of elementary school, they talked about enrolling me to a prestigious high school where all the smart kids attended. The place promised the future that my parents always dreamed of, and I wanted it. I wanted to see how stronger I could get. 

But come my high school days, I struggled. 

Students there were completely different from the ones I knew. On their necks they carried medals of impressive achievements. With their hands they awed everyone with their skills. There was no shortage of their achievements, contests upon contests that they have won. They were smooth in dealing with troubles, always coming out on top no matter the odds.  

I watched in the sidelines, merely a bystander of their amazing feats, like it was an array of different colors, all beautiful. All the while I struggled keeping up with what to review. The environment was new and terrifying. I stopped getting scores that I’d typically gush my parents about. I felt trapped by the amount of schoolworks and requirements and high standards and responsibilities. My mind was in constant disarray.

I watched as people transformed and became stronger due to the pressure. They took the heat and used it to make themselves better. They maintained composure in pressure whilst I crumbled to dust. It felt like I devolved. What was once a strong rock turned soft and fragile. I felt like a person with cracks all over her body. The cracks formed between what I wanted to be and what I was and traced all the things that were wrong with me. It grew with passing moment, with no sign of stopping

In between cracks I tried to place the things I should’ve been- beautiful, wonderful, talented, got it together. Sedimentary rocks formed from bits of things like seashells, and so would I. I carefully held my desire in my hands, but the pieces escaped between the spaces of my fingers. I found myself surrounded by a mess instead, helpless. 

But my parents didn’t raise a quitter. I would continue to try and try no matter how many cracks it takes. I wanted to rebuild myself. I wanted to be like everyone else. I should be like everyone else. If others can rise and be hard against the pressure, what’s stopping me from doing the same? Shouldn’t I try? What will await me if I don’t? I have never known broken pieces. I have never seen the aftermath of having bits of you slowly chip away from the rain.

So I tried, no matter how hard it seemed. 

And I did change, for a while. The pretty seashells I wanted to have for myself, to be a part of me fit, finally. 

Until I cracked again and fell. And in trying to piece it back together, all the frustrations I had, all that was bottling up inside of me turned solid and unmovable. It was as if nothing could change anymore. 

And I tried- I really, really tried to change it. And that maybe I could be like everyone else.

But everyone else is not like what I expected. In seeing people’s ups, I also saw them at their lowest. I saw them fail. I saw the person who joined contests shake in fear over a simple quiz. I saw them cram their reviews, memorizing things before the teacher arrived, I heard confessions of not listening well in class.  I saw them crack like I did.

I was just like them and they were just like me. Flawed people trying to do their best. Slowly, the fiery lava inside me, screaming and frustrated, cooled off and became more stable.

I’d love to tell you how I'm stronger, like a sedimentary rock turned into a metamorphic rock. That I’ve finally gotten over things.

However, it was still worrying to go from walking on a smooth path with clear direction, to a pavement made of pebbles and rough rocks. I let go of the things I should be, but fear of what may happen in my future. But all I know is that I found people who shared my struggles, and I’m not alone. 

I might change again, I might not believe anything I said here. I might want to pressure myself to be strong again and split myself in half in the process. But for this moment, I can say that I let myself be who I am for now, content knowing that waiting patiently can lead to my change. Who knows what the future might bring?