That was 22nd of July, 2015 when you exactly asked me to meet you at our usual spot. I was so very excited coz finally after such a so long 2 weeks of no text, no calls, no chat, and no meet ups. I missed you so much, John. Well, atlast! I'm gonna see you again. I am so very much happy and can't help forming a curved on my lips by just thinking of that. Since ever then, you've always been my 3am thoughts and my 11:11 wish. You've been my happy pill and my inspiration to keep going.
While i was fixing myself to looked like i am the most beautiful lady you ever love, Jesa. I feel flattered tho'. Just as that sets of memories came to flashbacked.
Our happy memories from where "us" started. We were classmates in our senior days in highschool. I am the silent student who's one of your haters coz i find you so much annoying and duh?--
Then you are this feeling handsome? Kfine! -- And so feeling like you are an attention catcher and i hate the way and everything you acted. You tried to be friend with me, but sorry dude! We never had the chance to be close nor even to talk in class coz i refused it. I even hated seeing you- and you seating beside me. It's kind of annoying. Your quirks and bare presense annoyed me. And to my surprised. Destiny played at us with such a good game.
October 12, 2014 remember?
This was the date you asked me to be yours and you to be mine through a lyrics of song. I thought you were just throwing some kind of prank on me so i have second thoughts tho'. But i see how sincere you are, so i said yes and saw that happiness in your face. I'm happy too. You always texted me and called me every day. I really love those long sweet text sms and those late night calls from you. Well, i can say that day by day i fall for you deeper.
That was 1st of November same year, we had our so called first date. Bought me food and drinks, simple thing yet i appreciate it the most. It was the first time that a guy treat me. Nah-- he's my boyfriend named John. Months and days passed and we were so happy. I am so overwhelmed of the things happening between us. And i'm really looking forward for this grow ponder as time goes. June of 2014. I remembered one time that i was sick you said, "Please get well soon ok? Don't be weak, we'll still celebrate our first anniversary." I felt like i regained my strengths and i felt even more better by what you said. I love you! I am so glad that i have someone like you.
12th of June, 2014--
Our 9th months being together.
I am so very much thankful that we are still together on this day. We spend it going to church, praying together and hope our relationship will last till we get old and get those gray and white hair on us. We walked out holding hands. I felt like i am safe. You were my safe haven, John. I feel comforted everytime you do that. We stopped and sat down on a big tree in a plaza-- our fav spot. You held my hands again, so tight that i even felt like it moistened already. I felt ashamed and i was about to loose in your grip when you kissed me. You kissed me oh my! A nanoseconds kiss, yet i could really feel how my heart beats dwelled that anytime it would explode.
My first kiss...
Yes, it was. I'm speechless and shocked. I felt happiness, so much of the word happy. I felt like i was in a cloud nine. He smiled, i vowed my head out of shyness. I felt that my face turned red. "I love you, Jesa." he said that made me look in him into the eyes. I saw sincerity and love in it. "I love you too-- John." I answered back. Like as if on que he kissed me again and again. Not that long, yet passionate. Not aggressive, but with gentle and love. It was his first kiss too. Silly thoughts! Crap! I was just too happy and blissful on our 9th.
On the 19th of July, 2015--
It was his 18th birthday.
I wasn't able to greet him personally coz i was busy. I explained. He got mad at me. I felt so sorry for that. Days after, we're okay. We're good and happy. I always make sure not to feel him bad. I always do things just to make him happy. I do a lot of efforts which he appreciated. But, few days later.
That was 22nd of July that year when he unexpectedly asked me to meet him at our fav spot. After my class, i hurriedly went there and there he was waiting. I felt like smiling when i see him again. I sat beside him, he was so quiet that time. It took him minutes to talk.What's wrong with him?
Then i heard him says, "I have someone i like now. Her name is Lennie. And I like her so much. I just came here to ask permission if i can court her."
Moments of silence....
In short-- BREAK UP!
I can't absorbed everything he just said. It was just too painful that it hurts to hear. It echoed again and again till it feels like i was aching to hear those shits! For pete sake! I am about to broke in tears. My dreams and my world with him fall apart. I vowed my head because i was on the verge of crying. I don't want him to see how weak and fragile I am.
Promises.
Fuck that promises! I wanted to ask for reasons--- but i have no guts to do so. I'm so much devastated but i couldn't just showed him that i am. He held my hands. Ouch! It hurts you me even more, jerk! How dare you! How dare you played me.
"I'm so sorry, Jesa. I like her so much. I hope that we can be bestfriends. Please stay the same." Words that he exactly said that day. The f*ck!
Bestfriend? Arghhh! That hurts for the nth times! I hate you! I hate you! I stand up. I can't take this anymore. This is too much. Do i even deserved this kind of shit?! When all I do was to believed and loved you. The hell of you! I walked slowly without saying a word. I walked out far away from him. Far where he could never reach me.
Yes i did.
Away and out of his life.
What's the sense of keeping you? You're not even worth it in the first place.
Crazy thoughts keeps on ranting in my mind as I walked away. So, I cried. Damn this shits! Can't help these transparent liquids formed in my eyes. They even flowed without my permission.
Gosh! I was a mess. I am. I hate it!
I hate myself more for falling so easy. For trusting and believing. I've got nothing in return but pain and hatred. I shouldn't have talked to you in the first place. I shouldn't be acquainted to you.
Destiny tricked me!
You fooled me!
Such a good game huh?
And yeah! Well played huh? You played me so well.
And now..
It's a mere fact that our dull realities would end this way. I used to believed in true love. But now, it's a no. It's the biggest X I ever did in my whole life. Now, I've wake up from my fantasies of us in a parallel lives together.
You left me and I regretted everything happened.
I have regrets of the idea of "us".
I should be sorry for poor foolish self. I am sorry for letting my guard down. For letting you broke the barriers I build to protect myself.
Most of all, I regret loving you and nothing left in me, but hate and sorrows.
I have loved you,
Goodbye!
