TW : MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND MURDER
Arthur Havisham looked in the mirror. He did not recognise himself in the dirty round-shaped object.
Himself. He smiled, to the irony of that thought. Himself. Who was 'himself' ? Was it that poor, pathetic man he saw the reflect in the tiny mirror ?
Or was it the confident man he had been only hours ago, when he forced Compeyson to write that letter ? No, he thought. Even if he felt like he was confident, he was not. He knew very well that without Bill Sikes or Mr Jaggers' presence, Meriwether would've shut him down or abuse him, again. He knew very well that, even in that moment, when he felt powerful, he was deep down the ugly, selfish brat he saw.
That scared him. The thought of becoming just what he hated when was younger.
He remembered very well how he despised his father's associates because of how they were obsessed with money and apparences.
What hurt the most, though, was to see that his father agreed with them. He did not bat an eye when his coworkers thought it was a good idea to send him to military school, so he could become 'more of a man'.
A man ? Was he, now ? Were these 3 years of constant humiliation by the other students worth it ?
No. It did not made him more of a man. It just accentuated his feeling of being different.
Arthur couldn't bare to look at the dirty mirror anymore, he couldn't bare to see tears running down the pathetic man's cheeks because of the memories. He first looked away but, as he still felt the tears, he decided to drunk himself to sleep.
A very long sleep, he hoped. He sighed, while scanning the messy room with his eyes to maybe find some brandy left in an old bottle, some whisky perhaps ? The stronger it was, the longer he would sleep.
His eyes scanned the side of the bed, the closet and the table to finally stare at the window. Not looking away, he got to the bed and lied there, staring at the night sky, wishing he could be a star. Free, with no Compeyson to threaten him, no Jaggers to dictate him and mostly, no Amelia to feel pity for him. He corrected himself. She did not feel pity for Arthur anymore. He knew that her feelings for him were just hatred, now that he had ruined her life.
He closed his eyes, afraid to see his sister's ghost again. The scream she uttered would always haunt him, if he did not end things now.
Arthur at first corrected himself ; him, Arthur Havisham, would not end his own life.
His father would have forbid it, if he was there. But he wasn't. He had never been there for Arthur. And he had forbid many things to him, even though Arthur used to never listen to him. This time again , he would not listen to ghosts. He would do what he wished.
His eyes immediately opened up and went back to staring the window.
Maybe he had been here long enough. What he did was unforgivable, and Amelia would never even think about forgiving him.
He got up and opened the window. The fresh air arriving right in his face, he let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.
Wanting more fresh air, he passed the window and sat on the roof, staring at the sleeping city.
This gave him the impression he could do what he wanted. Even...jump ? He thought the alcohol made him think about such things, but he realised it was deeper. Stop lying to yourself, he said to himself, as he knew he had been thinking about it for weeks.
The ground was far enough to die without suffering, Arthur knew it.
But still, there was a chance he would survive. And he could not let that happen. Whatever's left of his pride wouldn't bare for someone to know he had tried to end his life. Without succeeding. What if even that he couldn't do it right ? What if Amelia, Jaggers or, even worse, Compeyson found him, on the ground, bleeding and paralysed ? He knew Compeyson would come back for his revenge, it was just a matter of time. Meriwether would gladly kill Arthur, so wasn't it better to die of his own free will ?
Suddenly, loud banging on the door brought him back to reality. Compeyson, he thought.
He stood on the edge, hesitating, until he heard the door open. He stopped thinking, took one step back, took one deep breath and jumped.
He had closed his eyes; he didn't want to see the ground. There it is. The end.
He thought he was dead, until he opened his eyes.
The ground was still far. Someone was holding his hand, to prevent him from falling. He looked upwards, scared to see Compeyson's damn face but, when he saw Matthew Pocket, trying to pull him up on the roof, all the fear fade away.
The two of them remained silent, as Matthew made more attempts to completely save Arthur.
After a few more tries, Arthur found himself in front of his cousin, tears in his eyes.
'Matthew...'
The man did not respond. He pulled Arthur in for a hug, his arms clutching around Arthur's back, afraid the young man may fall.
A warm embrace. That's what Arthur needed the most, at that moment. And Matthew sensed it. He understood the young lad better than anyone.
' I'm sorry' Arthur said. 'I'm so sorry, cousin."
And with that he smiled at him and jumped, this time fast enough for his cousin to not catch him.
Arthur Havisham's last wish was for his sister to forgive and love him. He did not know that, in Satis house, she was preparing to come visit him and tell him he was forgiven.
All she was going to find was Matthew, crying over his cousin's body.
Her brother's body.
