If You Need Me

Golden

Home is a tricky word for a girl like me. If I put a picture on the wall for every home my heart has, the places and people would fill a hallway, but yet, that would still not be enough. I was called to be a sojourner here in this land and my home is complex, unseen, already and not yet.

It's difficult to reconcile this desire for home when there is no way to pin point it. I feel it swirling in my bones when I stand in the grocery store. Freezers at bulk stores make one think just a tad too long about their reality.

There's a few little letters written on my passport that tell where my little self came into this world. A journey, long and convoluted seems to be leading me back to the place I often mutter off as home just to avoid too much conversation.

My heart leaped a little to think about weaving that thread back into my story again, this little thread that somehow brings me comfort in the booklet that has kept me company on many journeys to new homes.

It's difficult to explain, and vulnerable too, although that might be why it's so difficult, this strange notion of wandering. It's not awful when you wander where you don't speak the language or don't know the culture: you're learning, adapting, growing. But to know the culture, to know the language, and yet still not understand? To still not quite know what to do with yourself in a grocery store or at the mechanic? In your own land? It's a strange thing to need to ask questions about how to live in a culture that is supposedly your own.

I pick up soup every now and again to keep myself warm when my heart seems so foreign in a place I should know. Maybe,  going back to the little letters on my passport will help me adapt again, but there is always the worry, that as time tick tick ticks on, I'll find myself with no more familiarity there than I do anywhere else.

Still, there is no denying the spark my heart felt at the thought of Golden. I looked to his eyes to see what he thought, and the willingness in those deep cerulean seas made me almost cry.

EMW used to write me about this, about moments like this. Gosh, is there anything I wouldn't give to let him see this life of mine now?