Chasing Hope [HIATUS]

PROLOGUE

"Crazy. Based on your behavior lang ngayon," I shrugged. Sabagay, psychology ang course niya, hindi na 'ko magtatanong kung bakit niya nahalata. "Who do you drink with?"

"Blockmates with their boyfriend. By the way, why are you here in España? Taga Katipunan ka, ah," I chuckled, teasing Rafi.

"Sinundo ako ni Drei kasama si Jade 'tapos sabi ni Andrei nag-text ka raw sa kaniya, nag-aaya ka nga rito. Bakit? 'Di ba nasa inuman ka? Boring ba?"

I shook my head. "No, biglaan lang din kasi 'yon and bigla akong nag-crave sa ice cream kaya pumunta ako ng Rita's, then I saw a Thomasian. So, I told myself that I should come here because I have nothing to do," I explained to Rafi. Tumango na lang siya dahil tinawag siya ng boyfriend niya. 'Buti na lang Jade's here, hindi ako third wheel.

The four of us just talked about what was happening outside, politics. The chairman of a law firm has been charged with battery and assault. My parents used to work with him, so I'm sure VLG will sympathize with their company. Whenever the other company has a problem, VLG will sympathize. They always plan to bring down my parent's company. Who wouldn't? Vienaiaz Law Group is one of the strongest and largest law firms in the Philippines and America.

Even so, they somehow managed to give us enough time. Minsan ay pinapauwi nila kami ni Kuya Ashton para mag-family dinner, hanggang doon lang 'yung time nila for us, sa amin ni Kuya. The rest, their attention is always on Nathalie and Adrian. I have no problem with that, Kuya Ash and I already have a life na. I'm just going along with what's going on in our lives, as long as we're complete and stable, I'm good.

Rafi asked me if she could go with me to the condo because she didn't have a car and she was annoyed with her boyfriend, ayaw na niyang magpahatid dito. I agreed because the building we live in is the same, the only difference is the floor of our unit. About sa bahay, hindi pa ako sigurado kung kailan ako uuwi roon. Maybe next week? Kapag nagsawa na 'kong mag-isa.

The next day, I wake up early to get ready. But before all that, I went to the gym for 30 minutes. Wala akong body goal this year since I'm good naman kung ano'ng mayroon ako ngayon. I took a shower and cooked my breakfast. I'll just go to 7/11 later to buy some bread. I checked the time and it was close to six in the morning, so I took my things and looked at myself in the mirror before leaving.

"Good morning," I didn't waste time looking at the person next to me who spoke because I already knew who he was, just by his voice.

"Morning,"

"Sungit,"

"What do you need at this time, Kiro?" I asked him while looking at something on the laptop to write in my notebook. Kiro is also my friend, we met on Rafi's birthday, he was invited because Rafi is his blockmate. Kiro is only a few months younger than me. Malay ko ba rito kung paano niya nalamang nandito ako. Hindi naman ako nag-story sa Instagram.

I didn't get an answer from him or hear his voice when I asked that so I looked at him with a bad look. His chin was resting on his hand and his head was tilted when I looked at him, I caught him staring at me. I didn't expect that his eyes were focused on me. May gusto ba 'to sa akin? As far as I know, si Ary ang gusto niya. 'Yung childhood best friend ko. Pumitik ako sa harap niya kaya bumalik na siya sa reyalidad.

"Hey there, bro!" bigla siyang may tinawag na naglalakad kaya napatingin ako roon. "I'll go. See you around, Nads!" Mabilis siyang tumayo dala ang bag niya. That's it? After he stared at me for so long that I didn't know he was going to leave suddenly? What a torpe! He could just confess to me, I wouldn't think about it. Hindi rin ako lalayo. But I know naman sa sarili ko na wala na ulit akong sasagutin na kahit sinong lalaki.

I was already traumatized by it in my last relationship. When was that? After I graduated from JHS, I met him. I thought our relationship was fine. He courted me, he always gives me time, we always eat out but I'm the one who pays because he forgets his wallet every time we have a date. My family didn't know him because I didn't introduce him to them, I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend at that age and my parents were strict, especially my older brother. Kaya tinago ko siya.

Palagi akong handa tumakas for him. But I don't know what happened, I gave my time, I gave everything for him, I broke my parents' rules for him, everything... I did everything. Then I just found out that he was cheating on me without me knowing what was going on. He even refused and lied. The bad thing is that his friends insisted on doing it. I thought his friends were my friends, but that was my biggest mistake in the relationship.

After one year of my relationship with him, that's when I became strict with the man I would like. Tinaasan ko ang standard ko, I shouldn't have settled for nothing, because in the first place, I am the standard. Ngayon, I got to the point where I couldn't trust my suitors. Marami akong pinayagan na mangligaw sa 'kin pero lahat ay wala. I tried, I really tried.. but I think I still need a long time.

Yup, I always tell myself that I envy my friends because they have a man in their life who really loves them, I keep saying that I should find a boyfriend so I'm not alone everywhere I go... but the truth is that I still can't really do it. Love again? No. I always act like I don't think about what happened to me but inside it still hurts, I'm dominated by fear.

That fucking study date? I can study with myself, I can date myself, I can buy anything I want for me. Because I am me, I am Nadeleine Vienaiaz, I'm not a Vienaiaz for nothing. My mother didn't raise me to be weak. Ewan ko ba kung ano'ng nangyari sa akin nung grade 11 at nagustuhan ko siya. Siguro nilason niya 'ko? Gayuma! Hatid-sundo ako ng driver namin, tapos magbo-book ako ng Grab to see him? Never again.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng restroom at umihi. Vacant lang namin at last subject na namin after this. I have no plans after class kaya mag-aaral na lang ako later. I immediately grabbed my lower stomach when I felt a lot of pain. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, eh. I closed my eyes and let it hurt until it went away. Hindi nawala 'yung sakit at sumasakit pa rin siya nang kaunti.

Lumabas na ako ng restroom at dumiretso sa zen garden. Umupo ako bago ilapag 'yung gamit ko. May mga tao rito dahil isa ring place 'to na tambayan kapag vacant. I opened my phone and searched for available doctors for later. The only one who came out was a doctor at USTH, wala naman akong choice kaya nag-set ako ng appointment for later.

"Para ka namang balot na balot sa iniisip mo. Ano problema?" Napunta ang tingin ko kay Aryla na umupo sa harap ko kasama ang ilang kaibigan niya, blockmates.

I chuckled. "Nothing. Stress lang,"

"Okay. Sorry, hindi na tayo masyado nakakapagsama," she smiled at me.

"It's okay, I'm quite busy." No matter how much I want to continue our conversation, I have no desire to speak and talk to anyone. "I need to go. See you around," I waved at them. Pumunta ako sa parking kung nasaan 'yung car ko. I opened the engine and started breathing.

"How are you feeling, Nadeleine?" The doctor asked. "What did you eat?"

"I can't say that I feel okay, Doc. Earlier, there was blood in my urine, it also hurts. I just finished my red days. And about what I ate, yesterday I drank a beer, I ate ice cream, frappe and carbonara. I only drank water when I ate breakfast and lunch."

Tumango-tango siya, naiintindihan kung ano ang sinabi ko. "It's obvious that the disease is UTI again," she gave me advice for what to do to speed up recovery. She also listed the medicines I could take and ordered that I should take vitamin C. She also forbade me to eat salty and sweet foods, I also had to drink a lot of water.

Lumabas na ako ng office niya at umupo. Wala namang tao at tahimik ang hallway. This is the part I hate the most about being sick to me about my health, eh! I will be really careful about what I eat. I've said it before, but now I'm actually going to put it into action. I don't want to be just words. Yumuko ako at pinaglaruan ang daliri ko habang hinahayaang tumulo ang mga luha. This is also the reason why I don't want to get sick, I cry.

"It's okay to cry if it really hurts. But you can't do anything if you are also the reason why you are experiencing that." Huh? Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang may hawak na panyo. "Handkerchief, Miss Atenean?" he offered.

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