QUEEN [EXPLICIT;QUEER;UNORTHODOX]

Chapter [1]

I heavily flirted my way into some pussy which I got shortly after, but it wasn't the hype I thought It was gonna be. I was disappointed. I was even more frustrated.

It wasn't who I wanted in the first place.

For some reason I wanted to be honest with her. I bluntly told her. "Im fucking." She kept asking me why.

I wouldn't give her a straight answer. I didn't want to put too much thought into it. I also wasn't sure how to respond to her "why's".

She swiftly blocked my ass, and I was baffled! (Lol)

I'm not really one to chase. I do like to play the back and forth game though. I prefer it oftentimes to other things, but if I like you enough I might hobble just a little (Lol)

With her -- I wasn't sure what to do. She had never gotten mad at me. We had NEVER argued. Our friendship extended three years with absolutely NO animosity. I'm more of a; "We can disagree, but let's figure this shit out without the extra backlash."

I knew why she was mad. Looking back there were things I could have done in a much healthier manner.

At the time though I thought she was being totally ridiculous. I was absolutely turned off by it, and I didn't bother giving it anymore attention after that.

When she came around I didn't speak to her or really look her way. Our mutual friend was growing sick of it.

I had managed to leave her alone for a few months. I could be very stubborn.

We finally spoke because of that same mutual friend.

When we spoke her first words were,"I just think it's fucked up that you couldn't talk to me before you did that."

I cut my eyes at her "I did tell you."

She shook her head "I said talk, not tell."

I shrugged, "Ain't really your business anyways." She went silent. She knew I was right.

Our friendship was not the same. I tried to be-friend as before, but she didn't want it that way, and honestly I didn't either. So I let it be.

"She is in love with you. She's moving like she is." My dude said.

I shook my head. "Okay. Whatever."

He shrugged, "She is." I shook my head no.

We were hanging on by a thread.

I told our mutual friend what my dude said. Her response was "She could be. She wants you."

I raised my eyebrow "How do you know?"

I heard her take in a breath "Tai. Keep this between us. She told me she wished you would have asked her for pussy instead."

The contents of what I was drinking spilled out my mouth into the floor. "Nigga, What? When?"

I wasn't sure how I felt about her at that moment. I still cared, but things had gotten complicated. Too complicated.

It made it easy for me to pull away and look at everything from another perspective. I was being a shitty friend, and she was a sweet girl who didn't need my bullshit. Less complicated if I stayed out the way.

"Last week she told me. I asked her if there was something she wanted to do with you, or to you. She said both, but didn't explain further."

I nodded. "Oh." I shrugged.

"You don't want her?"

I shrugged, "I don't know."

I really didn't know. I had spent a lot of time away from her lately. Enough to have clearer thoughts.

That was that for two months.

We sort of repaired our friendship, but I detached myself from the idea of her. I couldn't give myself to her in that way. I would hurt her. I cared about her too much to do that.

Months rolled on, and we got close again. All the feelings I had done so well to bury rose harder than before.

She was lying it on thick as hell, and I was loving it. I wasn't playing the game as hard as her, but I definitely entertained.

"I had a threesome with a couple." She told me. It was at that moment I realized how many more feelings I had because my blood pressure skyrocketed.

I managed to keep cool. "You what?" I asked. I heard her smile.

"You heard me." She responded.

I thought she was bullshitting me. "You serious?"

"Yes.It was good too."

I shook my head. "Cool. I'm gonna let you go." I bid a goodbye before hanging up on her.

I looked over at my dude who laughed at my facial expression. Following this I pulled away hard. I felt played with, and I didn't like it.

She kept asking our mutual friend why I was standoffish. I really could have cared less now.

At 2am two weeks later I got a late night private message from her.

Her: "I don't get it. You know I want you."

Me: "Wym."

Her: "You know I like you. You know I want you."

Me: "You got a fucked up way of showing it sweetheart."

Her: "How can I show it when you are always fucking unavailable all the time. You ignore me, and you ghost me. You act like night and day.

Before I could reply she started to attach pictures of different sex positions. I assumed she wanted to try with me.

She: "Can you get away?"

Me: "Nope. I will not do that with you."

She: "Why Tai?"

Me: "You know why. We should leave this here. Goodnight."

I got a phone call that I quickly declined.

Our friendship went downhill fast. It soon diminished to the point where we couldn't communicate without arguing, and soon we weren't talking at all.

I take a lot from this situation.

I see myself, and the ways in which I have changed since then.

Following this I have learned that dissociation is not the healthiest way to process. Some detachment can be okay, but diving off the deepest end can create potential issues for yourself, and possibly others now or later.

"I take responsibility for who I was -- who I am: The good, the bad, the indifferent."

-Bsoul