Invisible Strings * Ongoing*

4.The Pandora's Vortex

I spot Aman upfront now as he closes the door shut to this cabin I am seated in and as he walks in he says looking straight at me – " there you go..again...staring at your phone like a freaking hawk..for heavens sake...Arnav...relax...it will buzz when it has too..remember what did Mini Maa say? Only fair to give Khushi time to digest this – you gave her silence for years – she obviously isn't going to respond straight away.."

I lean back in the sofa dejected – "a reason why I am so much in disbelief is probably because in here in my heart..I always thought..she might...you know...respond straight away...,"and I sigh closing my eyes – " but you are right..so is Mini Maa..just thinking from her point..she's probably furious at me for even thinking that I could just waltz right back in – just like I walked away outta the blue one fine day...or maybe? She just hates me now...Aman??," I pause to ask – waiting for him to deny the possibility wholeheartedly.

Aman takes a seat in the chair opposite me now as he says – " relax...brother..relax..I am sure..she doesn't hate you..ok??she's just probably shocked...and is having trouble digesting it..she'll come around..you...just be patient..k? what matters is that you took the step..k?"

And I rake my hand through my hair in dismay as I admit to him – " patience at the moment surely isn't my virtue in practice...Aman...its crazy I know..you must think...because I was able to keep this long silence for all these years..never wanting to know anything about her...talking about her to Mini Maa...not even seeking to see a picture..know what she is doing life etc etc..shutting out all doors and now I cannot seem to hold onto that patient streak even for a week..."

Aman nods at that – " strange enough...yes..and its precisely what iv been wanting to ask you too..why is this so?"

I admit raking my brains for a possible explanation – " it's probably because until now it was me who was holding the lid to this whole bit shut..k? and now that I'v finally acted on opening it – I will like I have unleased a Pandora's vortex of emotions within. You know how it's said in context of the Pandora's box of troubles – keep it shut and all is in equilibrium. Open the lid a little – it just unleashes chain of events bit by bit that you cannot control. I seem to have no control over all this turmoil within whatsoever..its like a freaking vortex that's freaking sucking me right back in. Hard and Fast.Just to think that she knows I want to reach out and she isn't responding in reality and not just within the fear lanes of my mind is freaking killing me for it makes me wonder over and over – if she really hates me so much now? it just stabs me deep to have reality tell me that she might be – and – I..I..."

My best friend intervenes all calmly – "she doesn't hate you...Arnav...both meera and me think so..she told you that too right????????"

I nod.Meera did say the same to me last night as well.

I look at my phone impatiently again and Aman continues – " look...if she did hate you..she wouldn't have asked Mini Maa if you were okay health wise when she brought you up? Remember what did Mini Maa say? That momentarily she was concerned if you were ok? if you weren't hurt? Or if you were in trouble? Which totally means – she doesn't hate you..why do you keep forgetting this bit??Arnav? "

Thank God for Aman. I am so glad he reminded me the same, for it's the only thing that's kept me sane in the week amidst all my turmoil. I admit honestly though fidgeting with my phone in my hand – " ofcourse I remember...Aman its what's keeping my that one strand of sanity...alive..its just that my mind keeps shifting its focus more on the other bit of her silence this time around.."