For King And Country (not mine)

Spring 1940

The Captain's heart stuttered in his chest for a few seconds and he realised why Havers seemed so unlike himself.

Had this whole week been Havers so preoccupied with organising his thoughts about the Captain that it had impacted his work this severely?

"Could I talk to you in your office? Or perhaps on a patrol of the grounds?" Havers asked.

"A patrol sounds like a good idea." The Captain said.

In the back of his mind, getting far away from the rest of the Eleven was a better solution than having a conversation in the Captain's office.

If they didn't hear someone coming up the stairs, so engrossed in each other, it could be fatal.

They had only ever gotten away with it before because the events in the house had lined up perfectly to give them privacy.

If they were out on the grounds, the wind could carry their voices up and away, and someone would call their attention.

Or they would see them approaching. They were about as safe as they'd ever be outside.

Havers led the way.

"I hope there's a good explanation as to why you've been so distracted lately." The Captain said as they passed by other officers as they flitted around the ground floor.

He was hyperaware of how important it was to maintain appearances around Havers. He had three hard and fast rules.

One: Always keep at least six feet away when they were standing together. Two feet if they were walking together where people could see.

Two: Never address him differently than he would any other officer. That meant a stern tone and a stiff upper lip.

Three: Keep his sentences short and to the point. He couldn't afford to talk too much, lest he looked overfamiliar.
The rules had kept him safe so far

They had kept his secret in years past when he had found himself besotted with some man or another.

The rules would work now. They had to. Havers had to be the same as everyone else. The Captain felt differently about him, but he had to be treated just the same as any other, just in case this was all a ruse. Just in case he was being tricked.

There was always the fear that this was an order from people higher up than the Captain.

Could his officers be keeping close tabs on him?

Could any of them be planted there to trip him up?

These were the fears he battled with most days, and they informed every part of his life, every part of his career.

His career was his life. What else did he have without it?

If he lost this ... there was no going back for him.

Certainly not to civilian life. Not to obscurity and pointlessness. Here, he was useful. Here, he was secure. He was safer in the forces than out in the world, despite the extra paranoia.

"It's a ridiculous reason, sir. Though, I hope you'll understand that it's rather important to me." Havers replied, opening the door and holding it open for the Captain to walk through first.
They stepped outside, closing the door firmly behind them, and some of the anxiety released.

"I can certainly be open-minded about it all, Havers. Whatever it is." The Captain said.

Their shoes crunched on the gravel, and the Captain kept his eyes firmly ahead of him as he walked.

If he could focus on the sound of his boots meeting the ground, the way his steps sounded as they transitioned from gravel to grass, then he could keep himself composed. He could remain detached.

This could not be allowed to continue, after all.

Havers would say it. He would make sure to let down the Captain gently, with that infinite kindness of his.
But it was the most practical thing, for them to not continue trying to hide this. They would only become a danger to each other.

When they were a little farther from the house, out in the field towards the Anderson shelter, Havers deemed it safe enough to dive into the conversation they both knew was coming.

"I care for you, Theodore." He spoke quietly as if they were still within earshot of their fellow officers.

Something about the tenderness that he said the Captain's name with made him feel warm, loved, wanted. He desired to always feel that, despite predicting where this was going.
He knew his heart was ready for breaking, and yet he allowed himself to plead silently with a divine figure he didn't even believe in to grant him mercy.

Just this time. This one time, he craved for things to be different.
"I care for you a great deal. And I - I don't quite know how to say everything I feel. It's been tearing me apart all week." Havers admitted.

"You can't do this, I'm presuming?" The Captain asked. "I understand if that's the case. It would be selfish and improper to try, given the job and the world we find ourselves in."

"What are you talking about?" Havers asked. "Where on earth have you gotten the notion that I didn't want this?"

The Captain stopped, looking at Havers in stunned silence. He fumbled for words, finally finding them after a good thirty seconds of incomplete phrases flitting around in his brain.

"W-well, anyone would assume, based on the reactions post ... recent events, that you were somehow unwanting or opposed to something of this nature."
Havers tilted his head, eyes displaying something akin to great affection.

"Oh, Teddy, you become ever so odd when you're flustered. Odd in a very charming way, I might add."

"Odd?!" The Captain exclaimed. "I am not odd! And where on earth did the name 'Teddy' come from?!"

Havers laughed and carried on walking, trusting that the Captain would catch up. Knowing that he would always be there, their steps aligned exactly.

The trust and knowledge that Havers had in the Captain's movements were maddening at times.
Maddeningly attractive, more than anything.

No one knew him quite like this, he realised. No one dared test the boundaries or dared to try and get away with such improper actions like addressing a superior by a nickname or walking ahead with the confidence that they would follow.

It wasn't normal for a lieutenant to be so well acquainted with the way their captains worked. It wasn't normal for them to slot themselves into that routine so seamlessly, or for their strengths and flaws to fit each other so perfectly.

Where one faltered, the other was always there to reinforce them. And where one was strong, the other was the most significant backer of their success. 

The Captain knew at that moment, as he watched Havers laugh and carry on with that confidence, that he'd follow Havers anywhere.

Whatever had ensured his existence over anyone else that could've come as his parents' third child, whether a divine figure or fate, he was sure that they had ensured Havers' presence in his life too.

What on earth had he been thinking, allowing himself to begin to accept losing Havers?

Whatever else had happened in this life of his, nothing was quite as spectacular as stumbling headfirst into whatever their situation was. They had always been destined for this.

They were stuck in the wrong time for such feelings.

But good Lord, the Captain would never give up the breathlessness that came with being around the lieutenant. Not for his career, not for promotions, not for anything.

The Captain followed, and when their steps aligned, he knew that things would not be so bleak as he expected.