Thought Processes

장 11 : Random Thoughts

Idk man, I'm not feeling "professional writing vibes" right now, so I'm just gonna put my random thoughts here cause it's not like anyone reads this anyway lol-

I feel so moody these days tbh. It's like I'm all happy one sec then the next I just feel awful. Maybe it's from feeling so isolated from people? It's not like I'm tryna be. I do have friends that are a bit more long distant- I call and text them, but sometimes it's not the same. Like, I just need that in person contact, yk? Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly going insane. Having a job and going back to school soon is probably what's keeping me sane. It's nice getting to see people even though I don't like going out much.

Is it weird that feeding my sad thoughts feels comforting.

Is it weird that my mind keeps bringing up past memories that I wish I could take back or go back to right now.

Is it weird that I have no motivation to do anything.

Is it weird that I just want to hide from the world and everyone I know.

I'm trying to be positive these days, but it's kinda hard to as a negative person :/ I know I should do better, but maaaan it's hard.

Anyway, life update.

Some crappy people are spreading rumors about my family matters. Which I hate. It's sad that people resort first to speaking ill of others- like no, nonono you're not concerned, you just want to get involved in other's drama and spread it around cause you got nothing better to do apparently. Sheesh I just feel as if some people try so hard to get close to me and then once they feel comfortable like they did something good, they ask a question about my personal life and then take that piece of info and spread it around telling everyone they know smh. I know I shouldn't care cause people will always gossip- people suck. Humanity sucks. We all need Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I just died and went to heaven. I know, it's awful to say. We're also going to pretend that I don't joke around with my mom about saving for my gravestone and funeral LOL. Btw if you attend my funeral, can I request that River Flows in You by Yiruma plays in the background? Lowkey my favorite piano song of all time.

Speaking of piano, I've always wanted to learn. Just something about pressing the keys of a piano is soothing. Quite unfortunate for me that my teacher quit when I just started learning to play as a kid. I considered getting back into piano, but 1) it's not something I'm thinking of having a career with 2) I'm broke 3) piano lessons do be a bit pricy. Lol living is so expensive.

Thousands of dollars to be born, buying food to live, house payments cause gotta live somewhere, school expenses, insurance, hospital bills/checkups, funerals, everything. Life just seems to revolve around money. People study so hard just to get a job just to get money just to get stuff. Sounds like a sad reality tbh. The fact that people think that's what life is really about- that's just sad. And then people think that there's no afterlife and you're just gonna go into the ground when you die?

Work, work, work, then die, and nothing.

Sad.

But no. Cause Jesus lives and because he lives, we can too. Eternity awaits; question though is where you going?

I have no idea how I got from being sad to preaching heaven and hell- my mind is so scattered.

I'm listening to songs right now and they all got me in the emotions.

Some good songs:

1) When You're Gone - Shawn Mendes

2) The Outsider - Lyn Lapid

3) Dear Maria, Count Me In - All Time Low

4) goodbye & thank u - Kira Kosarin

Just chilling my night away, but now it's 12:35 a.m. and I work tomorrow ahhh. How fun.

Speaking of work, unfortunatelyyyy my position is temporary and I'm being let go at the end of the month- or aka fired YAY. Not yay, sarcastic yay. Last school year ended and I was depressed cause I felt like I would have no outlet, no safe place I can be myself freely. And then I got a job and I was like "Wow! Everyone here is so nice and kind, I like it here." My coworkers are pretty cool chill people. That one older lady who said I'm full of energy and need to slow down, the other lady who said she hopes that I can continue working here, the girl a bit older than me who talks about the cool items we come across when doing truck, the other girl who's my age (I think) who is so chill and we work well together, and then that guy I met a few weeks ago who is an absolute chatterbox, but he's cool and chill. Just the vibes and the people itself-- I'm gonna miss it. Like yeah I could always visit back, but it's just weird. Job people aren't exactly people you just visit, that's just weird. I just don't want to lose my job yk?

Plus being a shy person, it was hard enough to get this far- and I have to go try again? With finding a new job? No thank you I really don't want to. Butttt life revolves around with money and apparently can't do anything without it so no choice smh. I tried looking on the bright side- maybe job hunting will be fun! Coffee shops? Boba shops? I could work there!

1) none those places are listing if they're hiring

2) they don't state at what age they're hiring

3) not close enough to my school on the way home smh

Nothing just seems convenient at the moment. My current job was so good though- 5 mins away from school, nice people, easy schedule?? Too good to be true! And it was. Cause it's about to be over. Dang it.

Maybe this was God's message to me saying that jobs aren't as scary as I think they are. Like this is the practice test of the real test. And if it is, I do appreciate it because it did help ease my worries working here. Thanks to all my coworkers who gave me assurance in having a job for the first time in my life. It was nice to feel needed and running around the store doing what I was meant to do. I had a role. I fit in. No one judging me, I got along with everyone.

It really was nice.

Signing off at 12:43. No go-back edits.
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8.15.22 12:17 a.m.