I glimpsed one aspect of the split in me - muddledly - for I wanted to run from the rightness of this place that was feeling so wrong, and wanted to run to the wrongness of the place I came from that was now feeling so right. I was knowing so keenly my loving things as they were here, and thinking them wrong - like a threat - like something I must resist, the way that I had always resisted the wayward thoughts that made me want to walk out on everything I had and start over fresh with nothing but a lemon tree. To want to do that was bad, was irresponsible, it wasn't taking your place in life and building the country and making a better world for everyone. So I cut off the pain and the joy of my knowing, my own knowing, and limped along in the half-life of what everyone says.
