Fly Away

02 - you're the only one

My walls are dotted in red cherries, my favourite food in the whole entire world. But it's just another reminder that all my life I've felt like this. There hasn't been a day where I've gone without drawing one of these on my walls, and now I feel stupid at myself, because which normal person would do this? Willingly damage their walls because they feel bad?

So many people have it worse than you, and you don't see them drawing all over their walls do you? 

I don't flinch at my thoughts, and instead just let them take over my mind. They distract me from the loneliness because I'm focused on hate. 

Hating myself so much.

Zeus comes running up to me from his little dog bed right next to mine, and I bend down, cuddling him in my arms and running my fingers through his dark golden hair, kissing his head and stroking under his chin. He loves that, and I can tell it tickles him because he starts to pant obsessively. 

Zeus is a Maltipoo, and I got him for my thirteenth birthday. My father thought that maybe he could distract me with it so I would stop trying to get his attention all the time, and it worked.

Most of my day is spent with him, taking him out on walks in the park, reading with him, talking to him. He's my only friend.

I rub behind his ears and pick him up, settling down on my bed, the covers still messy and distraught from when I woke up. I sit him in front of me and he looks up at me like I'm the only one in the world. I guess, for him, I am.

"You're the only one who cares, you know?" I continue to stroke him as I speak. This is my favourite part of the day, because I feel like he listens to me and actually feels how I feel. His eyes give it all away.

"Sometimes I feel like running away. Just me and you, Zee. But then I think, 'I have no money or a job or a car,' and I could never ask my father for that because he would just look at me like I'm his biggest disappointment, and I don't know how much of that I can handle anymore. Maybe tomorrow I can start afresh. In a new house, with new people. A new life, away from all of this white and cold and loneliness. It's like this house is infested with it and every single day I'm scared that you're going to leave me, and I would die, Zee. I would die if that happened."

I hug him to my chest and his small paws come out and tap against my cheek as if to comfort me. I let out a small smile and watch as his dark eyes observe my face. Maybe I'm just imagining the care, the love.

"I love you so much, Zee."

He lets out a little whine and I know he's hungry.

I pick him up and walk him out of my room with me, to the kitchen.

It's the same as every other part of the house, white cabinets, white sink, white floors. Sometimes I think about how impossible it would be to kill someone in this house, because the blood would stain everything.  

I open the white fridge and take out the packet of cherries, one hand still holding on to Zeus. I place him down on the floor, and point my finger at him in a 'stay' motion. He's used to the quiet, and sometimes I feel bad for always keeping him with me, but I know if my father found out he was running around the house, he would hurt him and I can't risk that.

I wash some cherries and put them into a bowl for myself before opening one of the small draws that I keep Zeus' dog food in. I take out a can and then motion for him to follow me back to my room. 

I don't know how my cherry obsession started, but I just know that the colour and the shape just make me love them The taste is the best taste ever, and all in all, they are the perfect fruit.

They're on my list of things I love so much.

I walk back into my room, shutting the door with my foot after Zeus and place the bowl of cherries down onto my bed.

I keep all of Zee's food pots in my room because I know the trouble it would cause if I just left them lying around outside. 

I open the can and pour the chunks into his dog pan. He eats in silence.

So do I.

I don't know how people keep their room so clean all the time. Mine is cluttered with books scattered on the floor around my bed, on the desk and in any free space because I don't have a bookshelf, school notes and folders, clothes strewn on my desk chair, my red heart sunglasses rest on my bedside table along with my phone and a lamp and an empty glass.

My bed is strewn and messy, the blanket ruffled up.

I like it, because it feels like life. I live in this room and It's not lonely with the books and white walls. 

Everything seems useful.

I eat my cherries and think about how different my life is going to be tomorrow.

So I love this chapter, I know there's not much action at the moment, but I just want you to get a proper feel of who Mia is and how she thinks and lives. This will all be relevant later on in the book.

Feel free to give me feedback because I want to make this book as perfect as possible.

Also cherries are fucking gorgeous.

<3