Thoughts

August 2nd, 2022

This time is different

I have unpublished everything from the past two years. There's a lot that happened and a lot of days were spent sad and questioning life. I'll be a year clean of SH in the upcoming months. I haven't been mentally okay and looking back on some of the entries, I should've taken my words seriously and stayed focusing on becoming better. But of course, I didn't, I don't regret anything I did besides the way I took certain people out of my life and the way I treated them. I'm not trying to say that only because they're around or because of a guilty mind...But mostly because I spent a lot of time thinking about the way I did things and how I wish I could go back and communicate shit better. My grandmother passed in august...the very same day I left FL. I remember being in the back of the truck and feeling that weight on my chest. I said my goodbye the last day I saw her, but I wasn't There for my mom, and I regret that a lot. July 15th made it two years for ski. Mom didn't remember but I did. I have her on my dresser. I moved back home because me and someone split. Mentally, I've struggled. Physically, I've felt so much pain and confusion. A song came out and the singer states "someone who loves you wouldn't do this". And he is absolutely right, its why I rethink my feelings towards certain people and why I Refuse to start over with someone until I am 100% sure that they will NOT do me that way. I always think I try my hardest and the truth is back in 2017... I tried in the beginning and then my head got clouded between a lot and while it's no excuse I wish I would've seen what was in front of me and in 2018 - 2019 I would of just took a step back, took a breath, and stopped being so damn sensitive. However, even right now I am still sensitive to a lot and my feelings are easily hurt which now I've developed shutting down.

I spent so much time begging to be heard that now I can't even imagine attempting it again. While I know people are unique and not the same, I am scared. I am afraid that if I put my ego down and let someone come in, it will be the same. I always say this though.