Reminiscence

CHAPTER 3: Solitude

If you win the lottery of genetics, you would be treated as a prized doll, collectible, and placed on a stage paid to put on an act. If you are to have the talent and given the opportunity to enhance your capabilities, you would have a life with the instinct to have a striving goal away from nihilism. If you were ever born with the sexuality that society validates to "do and be capable of many things", then you are expected to do so and have many open doors waiting.

- yet none of this matters at the time I turned 16.

By the time I turned 16, the smoke that had filled up the ozone for 2 years was disrupted by an incendiary material made to demolish all forms of life. That is when everyone I knew had wiped out. Where there was loudness then sudden silence. Souls leave their bodies all at the same time. I was lucky to survive for both my parents and brother died. Luckily, my mother told me of my uncle 5 trains away where I soon ran. A man of medicine and so taught me dentistry. The loss had made me think if I ever will consider taking my life too on the spot yet destiny says I have hope. There is this feeling in my gut that the future has things in store for me and it kills me to be curious enough that I long to live to see it for myself. Big or small, my life was spared for a reason. It is with reason, I shall live. Live to seek the meaning of life and to fill the void of meaningless things. As to me, the meaning of life is to give purpose to meaningless things. To give definition to the world around. It is up to us to fill up our own dictionaries and with life, you shall do so.

Today as I finish off my last shift of the day, I threw the paper cup and clean the sink, looking back to when I use to assist my uncle with every patient's departure to disinfect the place back then. Nearly two years ago, I also had an assistant on my own but she was slow-witted and was hindering my tasks so I decided to go solo. Fellow colleagues told me to look for one with which I agreed yet I enjoy solitude. Every month as we meet up, they set me up with different people who would assist me with my services. This is the time of the month again. Now, I close my locker and shift the sliding door closing both sides.

"Del!" the most ecstatic of my workmates had found yet again another candidate just as I closed today's door. Behold, Lau the one who had paired me with several interns for the past years. "What makes you think I'll take one this time?" I concluded. To her left, a curly-haired girl with a fresh look and a rather idealistic mindset, near her 20s, people like these can be quite perfectionists. I can see with the neatly ironed clothes, the brand new folder by her side, and the attire. With lots of dreams and ambition in life, mirrored on her shiny over-polished shoes. She may have telephone cord-like hair that can roundabout in all corners of the room but it is slicked and controlled with enough elastic bands and gel. To my surprise, she smiled and spoke "Hi! I'm Amanda! It will be a pleasure working with you - that is if you hire me!". Followed by a wink, this girl is rather enthusiastic. Enthusiastic enough with full energy that my kids much needed every Monday morning. What surprised me is the confidence and the amount of liveliness that this woman can handle. Of all the people that Lau had introduced me to, this had been the first time one approached me without fear. I may not be the most pleasing person let alone be accompanied as to why I can never have assistance. Looking from afar, one of my close friends admitted that I may seem cold on the outside. Why I'm alone all the time can add up to the impression. From how Lau lifts her cheeks, I can see the naughtiness in her eyes - I see that this girl did her research. Without a doubt, she hands over her resume - the folder in her arms. "Wait right now? Isn't it too soo - oh I uh I'll check this" with words stuttering my mouth. The problem with talking internally most of the time is finding it difficult to communicate with words in front of people. I'm no businessman or lawyer that can manipulate dialogues to be sent. "It would be much of great honor if you consider. You can take your time! well see you" and so they left.

Growing up life was normal, until the birth of war that killed life and grew up to be death. I wept for so long that I knew once days like these would come, I would have no pain left. Something I say is resolved seems unresolved. Then, I was always on my own. When my uncle died, I took over his private clinic along with switching from there to here at the hospital every other day. I had to be independent, not dependent or codependent on anything or anyone. I would have to decline this offer yet again. I must deliver the message on Wednesday morning asap.