I can't describe it, I can't explain it, I can't even begin to express it.
But I can certainly feel it.
It's in my stomach, it's in my head – always in my head.
The most crippling, paralyzing feeling imaginable.
I can't stop thinking, I can't stop dreading, I can't stop stressing.
There isn't always a reason, and I very rarely have a solution.
Trying to tell somebody about this would be utterly impossible.
If you've never felt it, there is no way you can understand. No way.
It's like feeling nervous before giving a big presentation.
It's like feeling butterflies in your stomach before a date.
It's like feeling indifferent about a crucial exam approaching.
But it is none of that.
My stomach is constantly tumbling, with no way of knowing how to control it.
My mind is constantly racing, with no way of knowing how to stop it.
My heart is constantly breaking, with no way of knowing why it does.
Every single corner of my life brings with it angst, disgust and misery.
My home life, on the surface, is more than ideal.
But digging a little deeper, it turns out it's a thousand times worse.
I sit in my room, hours on end, letting my mind destroy itself.
I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want anyone asking how I am or what's going on.
Because what could I possibly tell them that would explain things?
If I tell them I'm sad, they'll ask what's wrong.
(I don't know, myself).
If I tell them I'm not doing well, they'll ask what's up.
(They'll just suggest medication).
The separation between my family and myself is innumerable.
They haven't the slightest clue about my struggles, except they should.
We've been to the hospital twice.
They knew I went to two different therapists for years.
They knew I've been on and off antidepressants for years.
But in their eyes, that should be enough.
In their eyes, depression shouldn't be able to survive that.
But it does, and it's only getting worse.
With everything I'm dealing with, let's add to it.
My self-esteem has been non-existent for years.
I have no chance of finding a significant other.
