Ace of Diamonds is the Missing Piece

I'm Not Broken

"Aces aren't a puzzle with a missing piece. Everyone is their own full puzzle."

-Angela Chen

"I didn't even know what was wrong. Everything. Myself. I didn't know. How come everyone else could function and I couldn't? How could everyone live properly yet I had some sort of error in my programming?"

-Alice Oseman

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Ever since adolescence, Félix knew something was different about him, even if he didn't fully grasp what it was at the time. He would always witness guys, even his brother, talking about girls in lewd ways, describing in detail their breasts or vagina and the actions they would do to said parts. This would excite most, even prompting them to do unsavory things with those images in mind but never Félix. It just earned a grimace from the blond.

Then the fact people casually think, even dream of sex just bewildered him. He never had it cross his mind awake or asleep. His own younger brother confirmed he does that too when Félix inquired about it. Now, here is Adrien talking so casually about the vulgar topic and there stood Félix is just thinking about getting cookies and watching one of Adrien's weird anime shows with him, completely losing interest once he went into details about his dirty fantasies. They were not one in the same and, for once, it worried Félix immensely.

Now that he thought about it, he never had a desire for sex or sexual ideas ever. He has seen porn, looked at pictures of naked women, and every time, it sparked nothing.

Maybe something was wrong, maybe he was broken? Everyone seems to have this urge but not him. He recalls asking his brother about his concerns since Adrien seems to have a sexual desire like everyone else. Sadly, his brother couldn't give him a solution at the time although, Adrien didn't think there was anything wrong with him though, just assumed family life and personality were the catalyst to a low sex drive.

The thing is, even when life was better, he never had those impulses. He wasn't revolted by it, just uninterested. He preferred to talk, watch shows, read, well anything else over it-it was just dull.

Although, there were rare occasions when he would get the sensation to touch himself, most likely because of his damn hormones. He loathed it every time. He would finish as quickly as possible, the feeling of regret and disgust swallowing him whole after the fact. Immediately, he would shower, scrubbing himself raw to get rid of the revulsion he felt from the act. Something must be wrong, he must be damaged. This isn't typical at all. Maybe there is a way to rectify it. He needs to get it fixed, to be normal.

He hopes so. He prays there is a way to fix himself because he shouldn't detest doing something that is supposed to be wired into humans but here he is-the special fucking case per usual. He felt like this for years, and years, and years. Still, no answer and it was stagnant.

He attempted to remedy the problem himself, such as–

Watching porn: Boring as hell

Reading smutty books/fiction: Honestly, if it was well written enough, he didn't mind it but imagine himself doing those things? Hell no, he wanted nothing to do with it. Characters, fine, sure didn't bother him and fascinated him more than anything.

Looking at pictures: Take it or leave it. The art was usually stellar though for some reason.

Nothing worked, driving Félix into a dark state of what exactly he would be considered as. All he knew was that sex never caught his attention, he isn't into guys in that way, girl on girl was ok, and that he most likely was straight since he gravitated towards women whenever he was attempting to deal with his issue.

Until one day, Adrien commented to him about something passively, "I found something called Asexuality. When I read more into it, it reminded me of you Fé! Look at it yourself and see if you think so too!"

Eagerly, Félix searched the term, scrolling through several web pages describing the general definition of the sexuality. Everything clicked for him, everything made sense now. After so long, he had a reason why he is like this, an identity. He wasn't broken, he was never broken like Adrien always told him.

A sense of relief washed over him, he can put twenty years of confusion, ridicule and frustration, belief he needed to be fixed, all onto a single term. Tears started to fall as he laid his head on his desk, letting out his inner turmoil. Such a foolish thing to cry over, he mused in his mind, but he was truly happy. Happy to feel like a complete, whole human being and not shattered into pieces like he assumed.

Sure, he still had to see which term he fell under the Asexual umbrella but it was start to the path of understanding himself more instead of fighting it.

He let out a long sigh, sniffling while looking up at the ceiling in his room. A content smile formed on his face and features portraying a glow liberation of his mind.