The Spirit of the Corps » Band of Brothers

37: A Little Bit Less Lost

When they finished dancing, Alton offered to buy Charlie a drink and she agreed. It was after they'd been served and had taken their first sips that she decided to say something.

"Alton," she began.

He nodded at her over the rim of his glass.

"If I ask you something, you'll be honest with me, won't you?"

"'Course," he said, then narrowed his eyes. "Wait..."

Charlie grinned. "Too late. You can't take it back now. You're sworn to telling me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Alton rolled his eyes and waved her on. "Whatever you say."

"Okay, so my question is," she began, and had to fight to get the words out, her insides mushing and roiling together in her eagerness to both ask the question and not ask the question. It was the constant wondering that pushed her to finally ask, "do you think I look pretty tonight?"

Alton choked on the sip of beer he'd been taking. "What?"

"Do you think I look pretty tonight?" Charlie repeated, hoping the powder on her face would cover her blush.

After he'd composed himself, Alton smirked. "Charlie, I ain't sure 'pretty' covers even the half of it."

"Meaning..?" She knew she was fishing for compliments now, but he didn't seem to mind. Besides, her ego could use the boost.

"Meaning I'd probably use the words 'gorgeous' or 'hot' instead."

Gorgeous. Hot. No one had ever used those words to describe her. Deep down, she knew that those were the kind of words she'd been hoping for - the kind of words she'd hoped people would associate with her appearance when she'd first looked in the mirror, finding herself looking less ingenue and more femme fatale. But the words didn't have the desired effect. All of a sudden she felt like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes and makeup. At her core, whether she liked it or not, she was Charlie with the freckles and the blushing and the never quite knowing what to do with her hands, always just a little bit uncertain whether she was looking at someone too much or not enough when she was talking to them. She wasn't Charlie with the low cut dress and the smirks and the line of men waiting to dance with her just because she seemed more eager than usual. Just because she was twenty didn't mean she was different. And now all of it just felt wrong.

"Thank you," she told Alton, smiling softly, in the way that made her feel like herself, instead of smirking, in the way that didn't.

When she went outside for air a little while later, it was to seek refuge in the same way she would have in a bathroom to try and wipe off all her makeup. She wouldn't be wiping it off - it was much too nicely done for that, and she didn't want to hurt Autumn's feelings - but the cool night air and the stars were just as helpful in making her feel like she had. Outside, the stillness of the night washed over her and she felt she could breathe easier. She wasn't trying to be anyone, wasn't trying to be seen a certain way by anyone. Breathing in the chill of the night and tilting her head back towards the sky, letting the starlight cleanse her soul, she just let herself be. The normal Charlie. The way she thought she was when no one was watching.

Going back inside a little while later, she felt renewed. She felt like herself again, and she'd decided that that wasn't altogether such a bad person to be. So instead of lingering on the side of the dance floor and making it clear she was after a partner, Charlie sought out Autumn and gave her a grin. "Do you want to dance?"

Autumn laughed. "With you?"

Charlie shrugged, still with that broad smile. "Who else?"

She held out her hand and Autumn happily slapped her own into it, and together they wove through the groups of people standing around and talking until they stood amongst the masses of partners on the dance floor. And if anyone gave them strange looks for being the only couple composed of two women, the two of them didn't notice nor care a bit.

When Charlie danced with Autumn, she didn't let herself worry so much about it. Dancing wasn't supposed to be about getting it right, it was supposed to be about having fun. She didn't care what she looked like, whether the next thing she said would be interesting or funny enough to keep her partner entertained, or how good her timing was. And because of it, she started having more fun than she'd let herself have all night.

Eventually, however, like all good things the dance came to an end. Before either Charlie or Autumn could catch their breath enough to string a few words together, Mabs and Boo appeared beside them, both of them sporting their own grins.

"Room for two more?" Boo asked.

Charlie laughed brightly. There was nothing she wanted more at that moment than to dance with the three girls she'd come to think of, and love just the same, as sisters.

So they all danced together, holding hands in a circle in a world of their own with their smiles bright and their laughter loud. And when the song ended, they danced that way again, until all of them were so out of breath they could barely wheeze out any more laughter.

And it was because of them, and because of how she felt around them, that Charlie found herself feeling a little bit less lost for the rest of the night, a little bit more comfortable in who she was and what that meant. With them she felt accepted, knew that they loved her just as much as she loved them, and there was so much happiness in knowing that that she felt she'd never feel lost again.