dancing with our hands tied | conrad fisher

nineteen

I've been feeling pretty out of it since I ran into Matt. Just seeing him resurfaced all of my pent up anger and sadness towards him. There's a small part of me that feels guilty too. Like maybe if I showed him that I cared more, we'd still be together. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I've spent the past few days in my room, avoiding everyone. Or trying to, at least. I've responded to a few texts, but I couldn't bring myself to hang out with anyone.

Out of my past relationships, I consider Matt to be my first love. I'd like to remember it that way. I don't know if that's actually true though, he was probably lying for most of it. I think what hurt most about breaking up with him wasn't the fact that he cheated on me, but it was the fact that I was still completely in love with him when I did. It just made it ten times harder. I wouldn't be getting anymore 'How was your day?' texts. No more dates during lunch. He wouldn't be randomly driving me to school anymore. No more carnival dates, where he'd spend too much money trying to win me something. All of that was over in the matter of seconds. Seeing him at school was awful. He's a living, constant reminder of what happened.

When Conrad spontaneously drove to see me, he tried his best to make me feel better, by buying me my favorite snacks, trying to get me out of the house to go shopping, he even invited Millie over. He thought of everything to help me. Even the small details and interests that I told him about. He remembered and would surprise me with it. It was my first time crying this hard in front of someone, let alone Conrad. He was good at comforting me though. It helped a little, but I was still ultimately heartbroken.

He left pretty late at night, but he didn't mind. Susannah was letting him stay home from school. My mom let me stay home too. Belly and Steven tried to convince her to let them stay home too, but she refused.

The day after Conrad left, I spent the entire day going through my entire room. I threw everything out that he gave me, that reminded me of him, and pictures of us. I almost threw away one of my favorite shirts, because he said that he liked it. For the following weeks, I worked my ass off at work and in school to keep my mind distracted. I ghosted everyone but Millie, Conrad, and my family. Similar to what I'm doing right now.

Yes, I'm over Matt, but seeing him in person, made me remember everything. Especially in Cousins. I was prepared to see him around school and town next year, but Cousins is supposed to be my safe place. Seeing him here really shocked me. The only person that I've been consistently talking to is Millie. She was back at home for a few weeks.

"Hey. You okay," Millie said, as I answered her Facetime call. I showed her my face to answer her question. My eyes were puffy and nose was red.

"I'm so sorry, Sadie. I wish I could be there right now." She proceeded to comfort me. I was getting slight deja vu from when Matt and I broke up. I ranted to her about everything on my mind, only making me more emotional.

"Sades?" I heard a faint voice.

"Let Conrad in. He'll be more help than I can be right now," Millie said. I got up to open the door, staying on the phone with Millie.

"I got you Dunkin," he said, holding a coffee and a box of a dozen donuts. There wasn't even a Dunkin in Cousins. I don't even know how far he drove to get this.

"Aw!" Millie exclaimed. Conrad looked at me confused, I showed him my phone. "Hey, Millie," he softly smiled. Millie and I said our quick goodbyes and ended the call.

"Thanks," I smiled at him, taking a sip of coffee. "Is it good or creek water?" He asked. "It's good." I replied, sitting on my bed.

"I can leave if you want," he set the box of donuts down on my bedside table.

"No, stay."

"I can get Clay and his posse to track him down," he half-joked. I could tell that he was trying to get me to laugh, or even smile. "It's hard to say no to that."

We sat on my bed, in silence. He accepted the fact that I didn't want to talk. He didn't try to be overly helpful or pry emotions out of me.

"Do you have any weed?" I broke the silence. He just looked at me. "You must have some, right?" I knew that he smoked, but I didn't give him a hard time about it.

"I'm not giving you any," he replied. "My mom would legit kill me, if I let you hit."

"It's not like I've never smoked before, Con."

"I'm still not gonna let you."

"She won't know. I'll just sneak out tonight."

"No matter how much you ask, I'm not gonna fold." I stifled a small smile from his statement. He abruptly left my room but came back minutes later. "You still wanna learn?" He asked, with his guitar in hand.

I nodded. I knew that he probably hated teaching me, but he was trying to distract me from everything. We spent a little over an hour on the guitar. I ended up learning a G, C, and D chord. Much better progress than last time he tried to teach me. My fingers started to hurt from learning, so we played a song. He did the notes and I strummed. I enjoyed this more than actually playing the notes.

After finishing the song, I set the guitar down for him. I vented to him. It was sudden, but I felt like it was the right time. His phone pinged due to a notification. He got out his phone, silenced it, and put it away. He wasn't trying to interrupt me, and he wasn't trying to be overly affectionate. I knew he was listening. I got to the point where I wasn't sobbing over it. I was just talking. Ranting.