The Strings Attached

Chapter 39 - Jace

My chest rises and falls rampantly, each breath is tethered to a growl.

"You don't Jace. You have gone through your whole life without knowing me. Without talking to me. After your mom died, you acted like it was my fault. My fault." His last words choke out, but he swallows hard, collecting himself. "I admit it, I fucked up. I was a terrible man. But I've changed. I've changed and you can't see that because we haven't talked in years. You pushed me out of your life."

"I didn't push you out. You never let me in."

He lets out a harsh sigh, closing his eyes tight, and shaking his head before saying, "I was never a good father to you, Jace. But I'm trying to be now. Despite everything I did in the past, I still love—"

"Don't you fucking say it," I snap through gritted teeth. "You don't—" Fuck, I can't even get out the rest. There's a knot so big in my throat I can't breathe.

Tears sting my eyes, but the last thing I want to do is cry in front of this man. I shove him away with my balled fists and hurry out of his office. I don't turn around when he calls my name.

Loni and Kim are still sitting at the table, staring at me when I round the corner to the dining room. Their faces are flushed, and shock pulls their mouths open. No doubt that they just heard everything.

"Thanks for dinner," I mumble under my breath to Kim while I grab Loni's arm and pull her up from the table.

Loni doesn't protest. She fists the back of my shirt with her free hand, trying to stay close with how fast I'm moving.

I hear his footstep come up from behind me, but he stops and I don't look back. I don't look back until I'm standing in the elevator, waiting for the doors to close. And for a moment, I see his face. The face of a man I don't even recognize. One that looks just like me. One I don't know at all.

As soon as the elevator door closes, I fucking lose it.

There's nothing like having a mental breakdown in front of the girl you are trying so hard to impress. But I can't help it. Right now, I don't care, nor can I think about how I look.

I can't catch my breath. I'm breathing heavily, but no air is filling my lungs. This only makes me try faster, harder. My vision is hazed. The lights on the elevator buttons blur together, they are practically blinding. I stumble backward, slamming my hip against the handrail. I curse under my breath, over and over, until I mumble nonsense. And then the tears come.

"Jace--"

Collapsing onto the ground, my body trembles out of control.

"Holy fuck, Jace!" Loni's worried cries sound so far away. She stumbles towards the buttons and the elevator jolts to a stop. She gets down on the floor, gathering me into her arms. "Just breathe... Oh my God." Her shaking fingers run through my hair.

But I can't breathe. Not yet. My body won't let me do that, won't let me relax, until I'm fully able to digest what just happened with my father. He's changed, he admits he fucked up, he lo— I can't even fucking say. I can't even believe it. How could someone change that much, after all that time?

That man destroyed our family and when mom died, he didn't even fucking care. He didn't go to her funeral. When I first moved in with him, he never asked me about her. Never once. I never even heard him mention her until today.

After what feels like a few hours, but is only a couple of minutes, my breathing steadies out, my eyes dry up, and my vision becomes more clear. I haven't had a panic attack in years. Honestly not since my mom died and I found out I had to go live with my father again.

"Shit, Jace."

I blink a few times and realize I'm still in Loni's arms. I look up at her. Her poor little face is all red, tears leave streaks down her cheeks and her eyes are puffy.

"I'm okay," my voice is hoarse.

"Wh-what happened?"

"I'm sorry." I shake my head, trying to stand.

"Maybe you should just sit there for a second." Her voice is shaking. Fuck, I scared her and I hate myself for it.

I listen to her and don't get up off the floor. I lean my head back against the wall and draw in a slow breath. Chilled air fills my lungs and it fucking burns.

"What the hell happened?"

"Panic attack. I haven't had one in years."

"I know what that was. I'm talking about what happened in there." She points her finger in the air.

Thinking about it might just give me another panic attack. But Loni still has me wrapped up in her arms and I think that's enough to keep me stable.

My tongue toys with my teeth before I speak. "My dad always cheated on my mom. He made no effort to hide it. After years of torment, she finally divorced him and I was able to live with her." God, if I fucking cry again... I blink hard, keeping my eyes closed. "But she died and I was forced to live with him again. Being a single father didn't stop him from doing his usual bullshit. He hooked up with a new woman every single day. He didn't even notice that I was in the house." I really shouldn't be telling her this. "His tendencies rubbed off on me I guess because I brought home random girls all the time. I say it was to get his attention. But maybe it was just in my nature to be just like him. Even when I fucked up, he never cared. Never paid any attention."

"I'm so sorry."

"Yeah. Well, now he says that he's changed. He finally admits that he fucked up and that he lo—" Nope still can't say it. I shake my head. "I think it's too late. Too much damage has already been done."

"I'm so sorry," she says again. Probably at a loss for words considering what she just witnessed. "You are nothing like the man you described. You are kind, genuine." Steady fingers run through my hair now. She sighs. "Maybe he has changed. Maybe after all this time, he is trying to make a real effort with you."

I stay silent. She's not wrong. He has never reached out to me and apologized to me about his parenting. At least not until today. And though I know Loni is right, I don't want to think about that right now. I just want to hate him. Because hating him is less painful.