Short stories

Why do I love him

Why do I love him
What should I do? Crying in the corner whistle my boyfriend goes and screws some girl. My heart breaks for a second time at the thought of the photo I saw. A girl sitting in my boyfriend's lap laying her head on his shoulder. Am I wrong to feel hurt? The familiar buzzing of my alarm makes tears well up in my eyes. I am not ready to be a person again. If I get out of my blankets it's time for me to face reality and I can't just be sad in bed.

Begrudgingly I emerge from the safety of my blankets. The warm sun shines in my face. Squinting at the light in my eyes I stand up. Making my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror is a death sentence. My eyes are puffy and red, paired with the dark circles. I feel like a freak. No wonder my boyfriend doesn't want me. Not the conventionally attractive type of person. I bite my dry cracked lips, sighing as the picture of me in the mirror melts into pools of color and I am forced to look away. Splashing water in my face I try to wash the guilt and shame I feel away.

Beautiful sorrow. That's what my boyfriend called me the first time we met. I was a beautiful sorrow. Something so hopelessly gorgeous it is hard to stare at. It makes your heart ache. Maybe that is why he let the other girl do it. I am a pitiful sight. Exiting the bathroom I stumble to my closet. Trying to find my masculine clothing that protects me from the harsh words people spit at me. I am safe if no one can tell I was born a girl. I may not be a boy today either but at least if I am perceived as one I'll be safer.

Grabbing my phone off my nightstand and silencing it. I shove it in my pocket and I am out the door. The crisp autumn air bites my nose and cheeks. When I was younger I hated fall. Trying to bury myself in books and hot coco till Halloween where I could be anything. My mom didn't care how I dressed. I wish it was that way for the rest of the year. Instead she'd nag me for my baggy pants and call me names when I wore 'too tight of clothing'. She was never happy with me. I don't blame her. I'm not happy with myself either.

My boyfriend stands with the girl from the photo near the doors to the school. My heart twists into knots. I want to speak but I am incapable of words. When he spots me he smiles. Smiles like I don't know what he's done. His face soon melts into a bluey pool of color just like the wretched woman next to him. I face my eyes to the ground and enter the school.

At lunch he finds me. Cornering me. An aggravated posture. I stare to the floor as he asks what's wrong in a million different ways. I answer none of them. Is he really asking me what's wrong? After everything he's done. I see the other woman's shoes and I hear her speak. A word catches my attention, babe, who does she think she is? My boyfriend dismisses her trying to grab me. I flinch.

"What's wrong?" My boyfriend's muddy voice asks.

"Get her to go away," the pronoun slips off my tongue in a nasty way.

"Her? Do you not know who I am," The other woman's shrill voice rings in my ears. What a nasty voice.

"Give us space," My boyfriend scoffs. At first I am unable to tell if it is her or me he is speaking to.

When her heels clack away I am relieved. My boyfriend takes my hand guiding me away from the cafeteria. My eyes fell on his face. For a moment I believe I am safe. His features look normal. The handsome man I fell in love with. When he turns to look at me once we are alone his face distorts with the images of what I say plastering my vision. I want him to be mine. He's not. Not anymore.

"What's wrong, Robin?" His voice grates against my ears.

"Did you kiss her?" I spit an accusatory tone to my voice.

"No. It never even crossed my mind. She followed me around and sat in my lap long enough to get the pictures and then left,"

"Why is she calling you babe?"

"She can't take a hint,"

"Hmm" I hum, suspicious of this whole thing. I want to believe him but I can't.

"Is that all that's bothering you?" My boyfriend asks.

That's when I slip. My walls come crashing down. I fell onto him. He catches  me holding me in a tight embrace gently kissing my forehead. I tell him everything from how my mom body shamed me again to how I was scared he didn't love me. Tears streamed down my face. How pathetic I feel. He brings me to my feet. Taking me to the bathroom to wash up. Safety. I washed my face and left. I don't attend class. Laying in bed the rest of the day. Alone.

The other woman posts on her Instagram more pictures of her and my boyfriend together. One of them kissing and the other of her straddling him. I feel the tears come back. All I seem to be able to do is cry. I don't sleep instead lying awake thinking about what to do.

The next day at school I screamed at the top of my lungs," You liar!"

My boyfriend stares knowing there is no way out this time. The other woman tries to say something but I cut her off. " No. Me and him are over keep him,"

I leave feeling hopeless. I fell in love and ended up cheated on. I hate him with all my heart so why do I still love him?