Thoughts? [Discontinued]

Exulansis

Exulansis: the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it whether, through envy, pity, or simple foreignness–which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog

June 30, 2022

   I've been listening to Ethan Jewell a lot and I like him. His poetry is very impactful on young minds and maybe even older burnt-out parents. Even though I haven't been going through that bad of a time recently I still like to hear how other people are doing. I always let people vent, I always let people talk to me about their day. Even if it wasn't interesting I still like to hear it to get a little taste of others' lives.
I'm going to ask if I can vent to you real quick? I know you aren't reading this as km writing it and I can't get an answer from you right now, but I'll still ask. Thank you.

Just realized that if I don't text them first then. We would never talk again. That's how most friendships happen and end. It's kind of sad because I try to care but the person on the other side of the phone doesn't. Anyways some people be making it hard to be nice these days. Like bro Ik, I've been "mean" or "rude" to people but that doesn't mean I don't like them. I just don't know them. But also with this one girl. She just wouldn't shut up about how she was better than everyone. But she wouldn't be open about it she would be like "oh it's not that hard" or "I could do that first try". Like she's all that. She's gonna go to the high school next year and I think she might start telling people that I know from the high school that I'm a terrible person and that they shouldn't be friends with me. But like I care honestly? My friend that I had since 1st grade just dropped me because of the girl and I could honestly care less. I don't understand how people can switch sides so quickly without a reason to. I feel like they were things on me that I didn't even do.

I would also like to talk about my ex. She is something else. I'm going to start with how I met her and just go on.

We met in 1st grade. Went to the same school from Kindergarten to 6th grade. Aw didn't talk weren't really friends until 6th grade at the end of the year when I dropped all my friends because they were all popular and well. I wasn't. On the first day of 7th grade, I saw her sitting at a lunch table alone. Her significant other was talking to their friends somewhere else. I knew her.. so I decided to sit next to her. We became friends again. For another year. She played violin I played the flute. We made a small friend group together consisting of 3 flutes one violin a trombone and a piano player. We were all friends for about half the year. Until the second semester.

Well, first quarter One of the flutes (Name her L) has a crush on the trombone (E). E finds out L has a crush on them and thinks about it. E and L start dating after E comes out as transgender. The date for the semester.

Quarter Two. Marching season is approaching. My brother is in marching band as a sophomore in high school so I help during competitions and games. Winter break. I'm in Texas visiting my family for Christmas! Oh, what a joyous time! On the last day before I go home, I'm sitting in my hotel room. On my phone. Texting the violin player (R). I kind of knew R had a crush on me. I didn't know if I liked her back. On January 21st we started dating officially. It was a good month. Till I got sick of it.

Quarter Three. I was happy for once! I thought I found the one I love. Silly me I was just a 7th grader. A couple of weeks went by after Valentine's Day. She starts asking me. "Would you like me better if..." now that's something I wasn't prepared for. She knew I liked the blonde boys in all the shows I watched and the comics I read. So she keeps asking "would you like me better if I was blonde" "would you like me better if I was a man" "should I dye my hair blonde" it all became too much. I was so sick of it. Every time I told her she was beautiful the way she is and I like her just how she is. She wouldn't listen and kept asking. And on top of that. I and E started fighting. L left our school because of E. I think, and I just might think. E has ruined our lives. I broke up with R in March. Became better friends with the Jazz band. Who are all freshmen now? I'm going to miss them.  Ur, I also won't. I'll make new friends this year! I don't need the ones from last year they just brought me down. I don't need them.

Quarter Four. The year is ending all my friends are leaving me behind. I cut my hair. I have layers now. I feel better about myself. I and R are still friends. That didn't end up well. My 6th-hour teacher is leaving to go to a different school. My 1st and 4th-hour teacher is leaving and going to a different school too. I'm going to miss them. My 3rd-hour teacher. Ugh, I hate her so much! She's teaching me again this year. This year is going to be fun.

Summer starts. I feel good to go to summer camp the first week of June. I come back to none of my friends wanting to talk to me. A week later they come back I finally get to talk to them again. I get closer to Savanna. She's been my friend all year but we were never really close. Then it happens. June 22, 2022... R-"can we talk?"
Everything that could be happening raced through my mind I was scared and nervous, and I didn't know what they wanted. We haven't talked all summer. "I don't appreciate how you talk bad about E and I want you to try and not do that, it kinda makes me uncomfortable because she's my friend
And I know you guys don't get along but
Please try and keep it to yourself or just don't tell me." Talk bad..? TALK BAD? I haven't talked to her since summer started and I also haven't talked to E in a good month or two. Why is this just now coming up? I don't care. I don't. I and E never liked each other and we never will. "Not my problem" I replied. Yeah, that probably wasn't my best reply but it was funny and made me and my friend laugh. "Ghost, I'm sorry but I genuinely hate how awful you've become over time and I think we need to end this friendship. I can't have you talking shit about my friends all the time when they haven't done anything to you, you've become awfully rude and selfish and I can't have that. Again I'm sorry but things need to end." Haven't done anything to me. That's bullshit. They've done everything to me. Made me feel like shit when I talked about my accomplishments. Didn't know how to genuinely take a joke. " you know not everyone has the same sense of humor as you" well no need to attack me for no reason or for making a joke. Also, there's a vent channel for a reason. Don't vent in the general chat because some people get caught off guard and then feel uncomfortable by your sudden vent when we're just trying to talk.

Now I don't care. I just don't give a shit what people say about me. I find it funny when people insult me. It makes me laugh. And here this is my favorite tweet because I've been using this advice for a long time

Jake Webber is probably one of my favorite people ever. I listen to his music. Watch his videos. Reply to his tweets. Watch his Instagram stories. I like his music. My favorite song is Hate your life or Eat my spit. Because I can relate to them. It's been an interesting year and I'm looking forward to this upcoming one.

Thank you for reading. <3