my eyes itch from the bright blue light of my phone. i turn it off, tired of
fighting, tired of feeling unloved unneeded and uncared for. it wasn't his intention to make me feel like that. i know that for a fact but as i lift myself is to go sit on my side door steps i can't help but succumb to the tears that have already come up in my eyes. i choke back sobs as i let myself fall on the steps. the first fall of snow. it's honestly ironic when you think abt it. my tears fall and mix with the frozen water already there. in an hour my tears will be nothing to the earth. my feelings will be shoved down and ill continue with my life like nothing has ever happened. shorts and a tank top aren't enough to combat this breaking wind that is hitting me but maybe i deserve it. maybe this is my punishment for having a brain like mine. my life isn't terrible i make it terrible. i ruin the good moments and i worsen the bad ones. burying my head in my shaking legs i let it out. no one can hear. my family is asleep and no one is coming to brave the cold. all alone in my little world of sadness. i laugh. laugh at the idiotic circumstances that i have placed myself into. the shaking and sobbing need to stop. as i become manic i push it all down. i glance around me and see the sun is coming up. i push off my steps as pull my weight up. walking inside i wrap up in blankets and grab my phone to text him back.
i'm sorry, yk i love you.
reading this with no emotion but anger and exhaustion i type back with my thawing fingers.
i love you more.
