drowning in this memory (it's always haunting me)

There was blood everywhere. It soaked the floor and coated the circle in front of him, continuously pouring from his now missing limbs. Tears were streaming down his face as tried and failed to fight back choked sobs. He couldn't bear to even look at the desecrated body of what was once his mother.

He could hear his mother's voice all around him. He wasn't sure where it was coming from; not from the body before him, he could tell. "How could you do this to me?" it asked scornfully. "I thought you loved me."

"I do!" he cried desperately. "I never wanted this! I just wanted to see you again! To hug you again! I just wanted you to be here with me and Al!"

The voice didn't care. It kept looming over him, coming closer and closer as its words cut him deeper and deeper. "No one who really loved me would ever do something like this to me. Do you really hate me that much?" it questioned.

"I don't! I didn't mean to! I didn't mean any of this! Please, you have to believe me!" he called out in despair.

It just kept coming nearer, till it was so close it was practically suffocating him. Its words rang throughout his entire body. He couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe-

The scream that tore its way out of his throat was the only thing keeping him sane throughout the torture.

M'staeng was jolted awake abruptly by the sound of a scream. Ed's scream. A million different possible scenarios ran through his mind at the sound, none of them good. He threw himself out of bed immediately, panic driving him toward his ward's room. He threw open the door, frantically calling out the boy's name.

Edward was sitting in his bed, crying and wiping furiously at his eyes. He looked away from the doorway when he saw M'staeng standing there, as if he was embarrassed to be seen crying. As if it was something to be ashamed of.

He felt his panic dwindle as he realized it was a nightmare that caused Ed's distress, replaced with a growing worry. He'd dealt with his fair share of nightmares before. You didn't see the kinds of things he did and not find yourself haunted by them. He wasn't sure how to handle someone else's nightmares, though. He'd only ever dealt with his own.

That didn't mean he'd be leaving Edward to deal with it himself, of course. He couldn't stand seeing the boy in so much pain.

He quickly made his way over to his side, wrapping his arms around the boy in what he'd learned was a hug. Ed quickly returned it, crying into his fur as he took in the much needed affection.

M'staeng purred soothingly, knowing it usually calmed the boy. Ed gripped onto him tighter at the noise, burying his face even deeper into his fur as sobs wracked his body. It did seem to help, though; the blonde's cries slowed and his body relaxed after a couple minutes like that. He pulled out of the hug, wiping his eyes. He looked worn out but in a slightly better mood than before. He wasn't actively distressed, at least.

"Do you want to talk about it?" M'staeng asked tentatively. Talking about problems helped every other species he knew of, so it was probably the same with humans. He couldn't be certain, though. Anything was possible with deathworlders.

It seemed to be the right move, though, as Edward nodded his assent. M'staeng sat down on the bed next to him, waiting for him to speak at his own pace.

The boy sucked in a shaky breath before beginning. "I was dreaming about the time I tried to bring my mother back to life," he said hesitantly, searching M'staeng's face for his reaction.

M'staeng started at that. He did what? He wasn't even sure how attempting that was possible in the first place.

His shock must've been evident on his face, as Ed let out a sardonic laugh. "Never did tell you about that, did I? Guess I've got some explaining to do, huh?"

No kidding, M'staeng thought. What a bombshell to drop on him in the middle of the night.

"It's taboo back home, of course, but I did it anyway. Well, I tried to, at least. After Mom died, I spent years studying alchemy as much as possible to try and bring her back. Al studied with me, though he kept trying to convince me not to do it. I didn't listen. I should have." He smiled grimly at that.

Alchemy could do something like that? M'staeng wondered. He knew it could be used for countless things thanks to his lessons with the brothers, even managing a couple transmutations himself, but he couldn't imagine it being used to bring someone back to life.

Granted, based on Ed's words, it actually couldn't. Still, the fact that he was able to try in the first place was shocking enough as it was.

"Turns out all the materials needed to create a human are pretty cheap," Edward continued. "Cheap enough to be bought with a child's pocket change. So, when I was eleven and had learned everything I needed, I went out, bought the materials, and performed the transmutation."

The boy took a shaky breath, gripping his metal arm before speaking again. "It's really costly to try and bring a person back, though. Bodies are cheap; people themselves are not. It's how I lost my arm and leg. And the thing that I transmuted was definitely not my mother." There was a hard look in his eyes, and as intrigued as that statement made him, M'staeng decided it was better not to ask. He was a little too busy being horrified by what the transmutation did to Ed, anyway.

"Al found me not too long after that and carried me to Winry's. If it weren't for him, I would've bled out and died. I owe him my life." Stars, Ed had been through so much even before the mess with the Homn'cli. He couldn't imagine the toll everything must've taken on him. Was still taking on him, evidently.

"So was that what your nightmare was about, then? Coming that close to dying would give me nightmares, too." The reassurance sounded pathetic, but he had to say something. The boy had seemed ashamed of having a nightmare in the first place. M'staeng wouldn't stand for that.

"Nah. It was less about the whole dying thing and more about what I did to Mom." He could see tears pricking the corner of Ed's eyes again. "God, that thing I brought back was..." he trailed off for a moment. "Was it my mother? Did I bring her back like that just to kill her all over again? Or did I just give up two of my limbs for something that wasn't her at all?"

Tears began running down his face again. M'staeng immediately pulled him into a hug and began purring once more.

"Listen, kid. I may not know all the details, and I know I didn't know your mother, but I doubt she'd want you to blame yourself like this. I'm sure she wouldn't blame you herself. She'd probably understand more than anyone else." M'staeng knew self-blame wasn't that easy to stop, and would absolutely be getting the boy a therapist to help with that as soon as he could, but his words seemed to help at least a little for the time being.

Edward's breathing slowly evened out, and M'staeng realized he was asleep. Something warmed in his chest at the level of trust he'd displayed in him that night.

He gently moved the boy into a lying position, careful not to wake him, before curling up around him. He doubted Edward wanted to be alone right now. He didn't particularly want to leave him alone, either.

It wasn't the first time his kit had fallen asleep on him and he doubted it'd be the last. He couldn't say he minded though. He liked getting to be so protective of the little human. Especially when protection and care seemed to be something he'd been severely lacking in.

Edward had clearly been through a lot, far more than M'staeng ever imagined, but he'd be there for him. He wouldn't be left without an adult to rely on ever again. M'staeng would make sure of it.

It was the least he could do, after all.