Denial

Chapter 26

Not long after the kiss started, it ended and I was back in the old room.

The door opens as Four leads the leaders in.

My excitement took over me and I all but jump on Four, "I did it!" I yell, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I know," He laughs, hugging me back.

"No, you don't!" I say, pulling away with a huge smile. "I figured it all out. Everything."

"I didn't know kissing a leader in a sim would give you all the world knowledge." Dad laughs at me.

"Not everything everything. But my everything." I say, still bouncing with excitement.

"Well, I guess we don't have to tell you that you are officially a Dauntless member." Max smiles at me, "Since you're already perfectly happy with knowing everything."

"Shut up! But that does add to it." I laugh, and wink.

Four walks me out, the others behind us, "I'm guessing you will explain later?"

"Most definitely." I nod. "I'm gonna have to tell someone soon or I'm gonna burst."

"Well, the leaders just watched it, so they know."

"One it's so not the same as telling, two, even watching, they don't know what I know."

"Okay, go on and sit over there if you wanna wait for me."

"Of course I'm gonna wait."

The rest of the time doesn't feel as bad. Figuring out what has been wrong with me this entire time? That makes everything better. Now, even if it's scary, it'll be easier to face it because I'm no longer in denial.

Clarity really is everything.

Once everyone's done, Max makes an announcement that there will be a party in the pit in two hours to celebrate the end of initiation.

"Come on," Four says as he leads me out.

I all but skip all the way to the dorm, where I pick up a dress, and then to Fours place so I can tell him and get ready.

"Go ahead. I know it's killing you." He smirks, as we sit on his couch, "What happened in that fear?"

"My mind opened, Four." I sigh in relief. "I was standing there, listening to Eric say all these things, and I realized, the fear wasn't about Eric finding out about me or turning me in."

"What was it about then?"

"The same thing that's caused all this stress from the moment I kissed Eric and everyone started making those jokes." I smile, at this point, making my cheeks hurt. "I'm afraid of him rejecting me. Maybe it's all rejection and the fear just puts him because he's the one most likely to hurt me with it."

He looks at me a minute, "That makes a lot of sense actually."

"Right? I never had a reason to feel hurt before the kiss because I was happy in denial and nobody messed with that peace. But when they did, and Eric wasn't making a move or admitting anything, it got to me. Majorly. Got my head so clouded because I wasn't ready to let go of my peace, but I had to keep denying it to protect myself from even further hurt and humiliation. Once Eric did admit to feeling something, my head was too clouded and trapped by denial. Then you convinced me to open up but he immediately put those walls back in place by kissing the other girl. Then with the pregnancy, I didn't want to tell him because I thought he'd be gone. When he wasn't, I was afraid he'd walk out from learning about me. Which he did, so I had to live the fear of him rejecting me for what I am, so the fear changed to him rejecting me for me. And that's what made me realize the fear is not about him. It's about me and my insecurities."