The Science of Growing Apart

33- Dinner

"It was hard for me to look at you that day," he said to me, his gaze dropping down to the pie between us as his fork fiddled around in the whipped cream. "That's all I remember, is just trying not to look at you."

"Also doesn't sound very romantic."

Casey lifted his eyes to meet my gaze again and then said, "I thought you were so beautiful, Josie. Most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, and still are. Obviously. But back then, I felt guilty for it because of everything that you were going through. It felt wrong."

I dropped my eyes to the plate. "Maybe it's a good thing that we didn't get together back then. We were both such idiots, we probably would have fumbled the ball anyway."

"Yeah, maybe you're right," he agreed with a little laugh. "And there's no use in wondering about what could have happened. I'm happy with this, and there will be no more ball fumbling."

I couldn't help but laugh at how dirty that last part sounded, but Casey clearly didn't hear it until I laughed.

"I didn't mean it like that, you pervert," he said as his face went red.

"You're the one that said it, pervert," I responded with one last giggle.

We finished the pie together and then Casey paid the bill. I started getting nervous about the end of the date again as we walked together to his car. What if he tried to walk me up to my apartment and kiss me there? It could escalate so fast, especially behind closed doors. Was I ready for that tonight? Or was I ready to kiss him at all and face the threat of being disappointed with the comparison of reality verse my imagination.

My palms were getting sweaty.

"So, what are you doing this weekend?" he asked me in the car.

"Getting coffee with Natalie on Sunday, but that's it."

"How is she taking this?"

"Not happy about it, but she'll come around," I assured him, not feeling so convinced myself. If everything went well, Natalie would eventually be happier for me, but as it stood right now, she was still in protective mode and would be for a while. "Did you want to hang out this weekend?"

"Would that be enough time to plan your date?"

"Sure," I confirmed with a little nod as I looked out my window. "Let's do Saturday then."

As he stopped at a red light, Casey reached over and caught my hand in his, holding it on the center console between us. When our eyes met, he flashed me a little smile and squeezed my hand tightly in his large palm. "I can't wait," he said.

I relaxed into the chair a little bit more when I felt his hand around mine. It helped ground me, to remind me that this was real and it was happening and the kiss would be just as real. Even if it was an awkward kiss, it would be better than anything from my daydreams or imagination, because it was real.

But then when he pulled into the parking lot, all of those nerves came rushing back. He released my hand, but neither one of us moved to get out of the car. My hands were starting to shake again, my ankles got all wobbly.

"I had a really good time tonight, Josie," Casey said to me. "Thank you for giving me another chance, I promise I won't let you down."

"I had a good time tonight too," I responded, gripping the strap of my purse in such a vice like grip that my nails were digging into my palm. "I'll see you Saturday?"

He nodded and I watched his eyes like a hawk, waiting for them to look down at my lips like they always did in the novels, but they remained steady on mine, never falling below my pupils. "See you Saturday."

"Have a good night."

"You too," he said slowly. The air was thick between us and it was so stupid how nervous we were becoming. I was always so comfortable with Casey, even during the date my nerves dissipated, but now. I could suffocate in this hot car.

I could only take a breath once the car door was open and I was getting out, running from the awkwardness like a little coward, because I couldn't take it any longer.

I didn't look behind me as I walked to the front of the apartment building, but I didn't hear his car driving off. I wondered if he was sitting in that awkwardness still, wondering what the fuck was wrong with us just like I was.

I was too afraid of the kiss not living up to expectations and at this rate, we'd just hold hands for the rest of our lives. Our vows will end in 'you may now hold the bride's hand' and that would be our lives together. Dreaming about the perfect kiss, but never actually executing it.

My face was red with frustration at myself and at how weird those last thirty seconds were as I unlocked my front door and went inside to greet Tulip. I was dumping some tuna onto her plate when my phone started to ring and I was slightly confused when I saw Casey's name pop up on the screen.

Apprehensively, I touched the green answer button, feeling vaguely terrified that he'd changed his mind. That was why he was so awkward in the car, not because he was afraid of meeting expectations but because he decided we're better off as friends.

"Hello?" I answered anyway, suddenly feeling terrified and rejected.

"Hey, sorry I'm calling you so late," he said casually. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," I said as I leaned against the counter in my kitchen. He sounded so normal, like we hadn't just gone on a date at all and this was just one of our normal night time calls. "What's up?"

"I think I need some advice," he told me.

"Okay."

"I just went on a date with this girl that I'm insanely in love with," he informed me, as if I wasn't aware of this fact, and I realized what he was doing. Calling me as his best friend who he could talk to about anything, rather than the girl he just held hands with in the car.

"Is that right?" I played along, letting a breathy laugh escape my lips. "How'd it go?"

"It was the best night of my life probably," he said. "Absolutely incredible."

"Good for you, Casey. She sounds amazing."

"She is," he said with a laugh. "But the thing is, we were both kind of nervous and I wanted to kiss her, but I completely choked. It's been this decade long build up and I don't know... I freaked out a little bit."

"I'm sure she was feeling the exact same way," I told him as I watched Tulip devour the tuna in front of her like the cute little animal she was.

"So, what do you think I should do?"

"Just go for it, Casey," I urged him, gripping tightly to the edge of my counter. "It probably is scary for both of you, but even if it's the worst kiss in the world, it'll be better than anything that's happened in the last decade because it's really happening in this reality, and that's just the best thing."

"Yeah. You're right," he agreed with me. "Thanks for your help."

"Anytime."

"I should go, it's getting late," he told me. "Have a good night, Josie."

"You too, Case," I responded, but just as the call ended and I put my phone down on the counter, there was a knock on my door.