After the Rain- Josh Kiszka

Chapter 3- Picking Up the Pieces

In the following weeks I recall having felt very run down. Between finishing all of my classes, working my job in student services for the university, and prepping for graduation in a few weeks, I was a ball of stress and exhaustion, threatening the brink of collapse as each day went on. One morning as I was running late to class, an extreme wave of nausea hit me, and I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I didn't think much of it, because after all, I had been pretty anxious in the past few days, so I attributed the random bout of sickness to that. But the same thing happened the next day while I was at work, and the next. Was I sick? Something was definitely wrong because it had become a pattern. 

I started to think about what could possibly be causing this, since for the most part, I felt completely fine for the rest of the day after it would happen. Uh oh. I racked my brain trying to remember the last time I had my period. I was late... by two weeks. I thought back to before the night that I had met Josh. I had been debilitated by my depression that had I had been afflicted by due to the passing of my mom, and I had neglected to take my birth control. I guess in the heat of the moment any sort of birth control had been neglected as well.

I took a deep breath and tried not to panic as I drove to a pharmacy that was a couple towns over from school to avoid running into anyone that I knew. I had bought four tests, all of different kinds, and drove back to my apartment. I went through the process and set the timer, both anxiously awaiting and dreading the second that it went off. The alarm rang and I held my breath. I instantly felt my knees weaken. I took the test in my hand and sat on the edge of my tub, closing my eyes.

Okay. I'll look in three, two, one... I opened my eyes and hesitantly looked at the test that rested on the palm of my hand.

"FUCK. No, no, no, this has to be wrong."

The test had a clear indication that it was positive, but I didn't want to believe it. I rushed to the bathroom counter to see if the others held the same fate, and much to my dismay, they mimicked the response of the first test that I had consulted. It was then that the tears came. I slid down the wall of the bathroom, and collapsed into a heap of disappointment and tears on the floor. In that moment, I felt hopeless. 

What was I going to do? 

I was just getting over losing my own mother and I could barely keep myself together, let alone raise a child, especially on my own. 

How could I have been so careless and stupid? 

I needed not to be alone in that moment because I feared I would do something drastic. I reached for my phone that lay on the bath mat beside me and attempted to call Teagan, but the tears made it nearly impossible. The volume at which they fell from my eyes blurred my vision almost completely. I wiped my eyes and dialed her number. She didn't answer at first, and I sobbed even harder than I had been before.

Five minutes or so had gone by and my phone lit up, buzzing on the tile floor beside me. I suddenly lacked any strength to extend my arm to reach for my phone. I was frozen, but I needed so desperately to answer it. I mustered all the strength I could and moved my arm ever so slightly, collected the phone in my grasp, and hit answer.

"Hey girl, sorry I missed your call, I'm just getting off of work right now. What's up?" She asked.

I opened my mouth to reply, but a sob escaped instead of words.

"Celine, honey, what's wrong?" Teagan responded, completely caught off guard and immediately concerned. I didn't answer, I couldn't. All I could do was cry. "Shhhh, it'll be okay." She reassured.

"Are you home? I'll come over. I'm in the car now." She took my crying as a yes and made her way to my apartment, staying on the phone the whole time. I managed to stop crying and let her know that I was physically okay, and would talk to her once she got to my apartment before hanging up. I heard her enter the front door, but I remained at my post on the bathroom floor. I tried to call to her, but my throat was too raw.

"Celine? I'm here. Where are you?" She called out. I could tell she went to my bedroom first, but I knew that she would eventually see the light from the bathroom through the open door. She appeared in the doorway soon after, as if she could read my mind.

"Oh Celine, what's the matter? Are you sick?" She said rushing into the bathroom. She stopped short at the counter before she reached me, spotting the tests scattered about. She picked one up as her eyes widened.

"Oh my god." She breathed, her voice dropping off. She looked frantically from the test to me and dropped to the floor beside me, enveloping me into her arms. Her embrace kickstarted the tears again, and now we were both crying.

"Oh Celine, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? What even happened?" She asked brushing away the tears and stray hair off of my face.

"I haven't been feeling great, like I've been throwing up the past few days. I thought it was just stress but then I realized I hadn't had my period in a while so I took the tests just in case. I never thought they'd actually be positive." I said in between sniffles, burying my face in my hands. Teagan reached over and rubbed my back.

"It'll be okay, sweetie. You'll figure it out, and you know I'll be here to support you in any and all ways that I can, no matter what you decide." She said wiping the tears away from her own eyes.

"I just don't know what to do, I'm so scared."

"It's okay, you still have time to think about what you're going to do and to prepare for whichever outcome." She said. I lifted my head to face her. She was wearing a brave face, but I knew deep down she was just as scared as I was, even if this didn't directly affect her and her life. It was almost if she had pictured the roles reversed and she was panicked for a version of herself that didn't even exist. After a few moments, she broke the silence that hung over us.

"Do you— well, um, do you know who it was? Like who it's with, I mean." She asked apprehensively.

"Josh." I replied plainly as she grimaced.

"Are you gonna tell him?"

"No. I don't have any way of reaching him. And, if I decide to keep it I'm sure he wouldn't care. We don't even know each other." I sighed, defeated.

"I guess." She said shaking her head with pity. "Listen, Celine. You're not going to have to do this alone. It'll all work out."

I willed for her words to provide me any sort of comfort, but in the moment it was no use. My mind was working at a million miles a minute considering all of the possible outcomes that were riding on the decision that I would eventually have to make. From the moment I had read the test, I knew in my heart what that decision would ultimately be, but from that point on, it was just a matter of having the courage to see it through.