THE DARKNESS IN ME

      My name is Victoria hunter i am from New York my life is just like a movie but a tragic one at that, i am a 16 year old girl i love watching movies but I am also not that smart as people tell me but I know am DUMB most people say am beautiful but anytime i look into a  mirror i only see a ugly monster i hate my appearance , life and people i just want to die, when I was 10 i was raped by the door man in my house my parents went out with my siblings i didn't want to go with them but i always regret that decision ever seen that day I was so afraid that my parents would judge me so I never  bothered telling them about it.
           Just saying that is enough for anyone to know my parents I come from a very wealthy family my dad is a well know judge and my mom are lawyer the best at that but as you know when good thing comes bad must follow my parents literally hate each other they travel so much to avoid each other but don't know how it kill my siblings i am the oldest so am used to it but my siblings are too young to experience all there argument i still remember me and my siblings hiding when they had a fight that my dad was shouting am a MONSTER I just started to cry when the youngest asked me IS DAD REALLY A MONSTER and I said no that this is normal in most marriage but it is not normal to fight when ever you see each other      I hated them because everything my siblings had endure in there arm.
         I am a black American but unlike the white my parents believed in flogging children my dad started to flog me at Three and I mean three years old just because he said bring water and I stold there honestly i didn't remember this but he always used is as a way to boost in front of his friends and I never understood it how will a human being be proud of that🤐 my siblings always    feared him than love i never understood my parents relationship if they hated each other so much why did they just get a divorce in the first place instead of a freak marriage because no one depends on the other, i went to one of the most  renowned school in the country I was always the last in class ever seen i was 3 ,i always brought bad results while my siblings well you know perfect i am the oldest as well as the dumbest  ,me being a failure added to my problems and to top it off i always get into trouble the only good thing about me is that i have a lot of money i consider myself a the must useless person on earth at 14 i had enough of life so tried commiting suicide but it didn't work I took about 30 different types of drugs but didn't die actually nothing happened to me i was more than ok it was like nothing happened after that i looked for many ways to die without feeling pain but i never found, everything, one,day became so sad the saddest took over my thoughts clouded my judgement i was always distracted in my lessons each day that even the teacher started to notice and always ask if I was fine but one teacher stood out among the rest she helped me manage my depression but the only problem was that i hate advice but she was so determined to help me i consider her to be the only good thing in life i love and cherish her in my life she is the most important person in my life after my siblings.
          I have been mentally , physical and emotional abused ,i am a ugly monster ,a dumb fool and a depression monkey i have seen anything good about life i hate it so much I hate my parents more because it there fault am born , boys do discuss but I can't seem to stop getting in trouble with them for mis understandings the only luck i have is that i am my parents favorite even though I never knew the reason they always said i was the favorite but I always guessed because i am the first
  My dad is always angry because he never had a boy and when he had his now a special child , that's right my brother is special child to add to my parents problem but I still love him i would never trade him for any other child because for me his normal ,i love My siblings but I don't they don't think so because am a reserved person i don't talk much with people am not sure when I started to hate life but All I know is that I have no one ,i feel no one cares about me just about my money and status
And to top it off that am black am as well discriminated among the  white's that is just it i have no goal no place where i belong i feel like an outsider in school, my home am literally a national disappoint i just wish sometimes to be alone where i can think about life am so tried of thinking about my problems thinking about the next step,the people i have to please am so tried 
  I wish I could dispear from everyone my parents and their fighting all my failures i just want to be forgotten i blame my parents for All my problems because they are the root of my problems my mom who never believed in me my father who always reminder me about my all failures in the past but used money to compensate for his bad parenting i never felt the feeling for any one i only felt hate for everything and one except from MISS ELIZABETH
She the only one who cares for me and loves me this world and the cure secret that comes with it has marked me this is my last cry for help my depression has destroyed me