When Death Won't Take You

22: Suicide doesn't work

Cinna walked home from Forth and Onward Pizzeria alone. Her hair glowed like a halo in the bright lights of the city, and, even with the coming night, it was burning hot.

Moraga Dr. was darker than much of San Fransokyo, the residents mostly young families who went to bed before night was even in full swing. Cinna's house, too, was dark.

Looking at her house, Cinna almost opened the front door and went in, but she turned away, heading into the backyard as she did too often now.

"I need a break," Cinna said to the purple, starless sky as she walked. She headed right for the small shed that stood in the corner of the yard.

Inside the shed, it was warmer than outside, and Cinna started sweating.

"Can't stay in here long," she commented as she closed the door.

Cinna sat on the floor of the shed. She had a flashlight in here, but she only used it when she needed to since she preferred the dark. There were no windows, and with the door closed, it was almost as if Cinna was sitting underground, forgotten.

"Maybe I am forgotten," Cinna said spitefully.

The shed didn't have much in it, just a small lock, a blindfold, and a flashlight (and, of course, the picture, though Cinna had forgotten about that). The blindfold was usually used for the game she and Tadashi had played, but it had other purposes. The reason why it was in the shed was because of one of those purposes, but Cinna didn't talk about that.

After a few more moments of basking in the sweltering heat, Cinna got up again.

"Farewell," she said absentmindedly to the little shed as she walked up to the back door.

Cinna expected the door to open silently. That's what she oiled it for, so it would make sense, but tonight, that wasn't what happened.

The door squeaked like it was trying to report Cinna to her parents. Cinna heard a stir from within the house. Then she saw her father, coming toward her. Cinna's eyes flared in fear. She wouldn't let him do anything to her again. This time, it wouldn't be her fault. She ran back out to the shed.

"Hey! Come back here!" Sanfer called, walking faster toward his daughter.

Cinna didn't even look back, she ducked through the door into the shed, slamming it behind her. She snapped the lock into place and grabbed the strip of cloth that made up the blindfold. She unfolded it to its maximum size. The thing was thick and heavy. Cinna tied it around her mouth and nose, tightening it as much as she could and tying it behind her head so she couldn't yank it off easily.

The door rattled as Cinna lay down on the wood floor.

"Open this door before I break down this shed!" Sanfer yelled.

Cinna folded her hands on her lap, keeping them out of trouble. She already felt the struggle for air.

The shed shook as Sanfer tried to break it. "Let me in!"

Cinna's vision blurred and she began slipping into another plane of reality.

"Fine!" Sanfer screamed. "You know you're just going to die there, don't you? It's too hot for you to stay there! I'll be waiting for you to come out."

"I know I'm going to die here," Cinna whispered, the sound not making it through her death mask.

Cinna's head fell to the side as her spirit, too, fell away. At least for now.

⚰

Cinna's eyes opened to bright, blinding light. She looked around to see where the light was coming from. She couldn't even tell where she was for a moment, it was so bright.

"Where am I?" Cinna said. She tried to remember what the last thing she did was.

"Is this death?" she asked doubtfully. She had died, hadn't she?

Wait. She was still in the shed. She recognized the smooth walls and she could see her flashlight on the floor. It was steadily getting darker inside as Cinna's eyes got used to the light, so she grabbed the flashlight and clicked it on.

"Ah," Cinna said as the beam from the flashlight shone out, appearing to Cinna's eyes to be as bright as the sun.

Then Cinna remembered something else. Her dad standing outside the shed. He said he'd be waiting for her to come out. Was he still there? Cinna paused for a moment, but she couldn't hear anything outside. Anyway, what could he do to her that was worse than what she had just tried to do to herself?

"I wish I hadn't done that," Cinna said. "I wasn't thinking straight. I needed more time to plan that. I needed time to convince myself not to do it. Well, I guess I did have time. I had that blindfold in here for months!" Cinna dropped her head into her hands. "Well, at least nothing came of it."

As Cinna dropped her head into her hands, she felt something wrapped around her face.

"The blindfold's still on?" she said, surprised. "I thought it must have fallen off right before I died or something. Though I guess since I'm talking fine, it must have come loose."

She put her hand up to remove the blindfold, it was, indeed, loose, the knot in the back falling apart in her hand without her barely having to touch it.

She dropped the blindfold on the floor. She should bring it in, she really should. But what if her father saw her? He'd know what she'd tried to do. At least that was the reason she convinced herself of. Really, though, she didn't know if she wouldn't decide to do this again, for real, when she knew she wasn't going to regret it.

Cinna tucked the flashlight in her pocket, planning on bringing it out here later. By the way it had dimmed and the beam wouldn't stay solid, she could see that it needed more batteries. She twisted the combination lock on the door in the combo she had memorized long ago. Instead of tossing the lock to the floor, she hung it on the outside of the door to the shed, unlocked.

Cinna walked up to the back door. It had been creaky before, so she braced herself for it to be creaky again. She turned the knob. It was locked.

"Well that's odd," Cinna muttered. She tried the door a few more times, then knocked. She could try the front door, but she had to face her parents sometime.

The door didn't open for a while.

"Aren't they home?" Cinna questioned. "They never both leave the house for long, if ever."

Then the door opened. A man in a button-up shirt and jeans that Cinna didn't recognize opened it, and behind him stood a woman in a flowy dress.

Who are they? Cinna wondered, eyeing the pair warily. If there was something that happened less often in the Miyazaki household than both parents leaving the house at the same time it was her parents having company over. And even if her parents did have company, they would never allow them to open the door if someone knocked.

"Where am I?" Cinna asked the two. She couldn't possibly be at her house, could she?