Growth And Healing

Chapter 1

Chapter 01
The Experience

When I say I grew up insecure, I mean I GREW up insecure. Grew up with a great fear, any sort of fear that might pop into your mind. Fear of saying no, fear of judgement, fear of expressing my opinion, fear of not being good enough, fear of men, fear to disappoint others and so on.

I grew up with another trauma which caused me to hate, HATE, myself and how I looked. All of that as a child less that 14. I witnessed things and experienced stuff that left me with nightmares.

When I became fourteen, I started a diet and working out daily to lose weight. Because I hated how I looked and also my family encouraged me to do so. Now don't get me wrong, my family is the most loving and kind yet they thought by telling me how "fat" I was would help to lose weight because they wanted to protect me from all the preying eyes and all that stuff. I was almost ten or even less when they started behaving like that. For a child, I would never, ever understand that. Why? Because the child's brain, it's not designed to understand such stuff.

I turned sixteen. Anger issues, fearful, insecure, hating myself, not understanding my surroundings, traumatized, and attention seeker. Yes I was this type of a person.

I graduated high school, started college and still this introverted, scared baby in a city where I don't know anyone. Alone without my family, no job and having trust issues. You can tell the first year was terrible. Yes I had beautiful moments and nice days, I was a top student because I'm a nerd and bookworm. But I didn't like this. I didn't like being insecure. I was jealous of how strong and confident my sister is. How wise and intelligent my father is. So you see, here when it starts. The desire of change. I had dreams, goals. I want to grow up into a successful person just like my siblings instead of being the family's disappointment. Let's be real, we all have that desire, to change, to be successful and make ourselves and family or loved ones proud. We all have the desire. But not knowing where to start.

You might start meditating or suddenly hitting the gym. Trying to party or get a new haircut. Find a job or whatever. Yet the very next day you feel terrible and nothing of this is worthy and you will continue living your life miserable while everyone you know is making their way into success or getting higher grades at school, or finding a job or getting that girl/guy/lover. Or maybe your friend managed to publish their real book and you're still stuck in the fanfiction writing. Not improving.

The key here is baby steps. I know you want this big change and you want it now. But hear me out. Change is a long process, when I say long trust me, it is. Also difficult, pain in the ass, really. Been there, done that, for two years I'm failing to actually change and heal and would always end up where I start until one day I decided, why not make a research instead of acting out of the blue? Easy right. Research, shocking. With the great amount of studies and researches and all that good smart stuff, I didn't thought of giving them a look. Why? My ego was too high to ask Google for help. Be better than me and do your research early.

Now, here is what we're going to do. In my theory, to solve a problem we should look at the roots. And that's exactly what we will do. We will look at where and when and how this whole mental suffering started. Then, we will look at why it developed and got that bad and how this will effect you as an adult if you don't solve it right away. And if you're an adult, congratulations, you done fucked up but I'm here for you. Lastly is the process of healing which we will break it into steps.

Please know that each of these steps are important so try to stick to them without skipping. They shall give you more self-awareness which will help with future problems.

Also, the real and whole healing process starts with identifying the actual reason of why it happened. Not just how. What does it mean? It means why the cause effected you when some experienced it and nothing happened to them. That's what I'm here for.

And since each step or part of the journey needs time to be processed and understood, I'll take advantage of this platform and post one chapter per day, giving you the time you need to start the process.