Hasta-prāpya-stabaka-namito bāla-Mandāra-vṛkṣaḥ

Chapter Twenty-Five

Farhad felt excited as he drove to S. K. Venkatesh Criticare Hospital with Mandar sitting next to him. They were alone for the first time since last night in Dr. Ramya's guest room. Farhad wanted to unburden Mandar, to bring him closer, but after watching Mandar with Pallavi, Farhad was uneasy too.

Mandar kept his hands on his knees, not knowing what to say to the man whom he desired, and who desired him too. The silence between them was burdensome, although it hadn't even been five minutes since Pallavi was with them. Feeling his arms tense up, Mandar rolled his shoulders. He dared not turn his neck. If he looked at Farhad, would he forget about self-control and ask for what he had no right to ask? His lips were dry; he licked them.

"Do you trust me, Mandar?" Farhad wanted to know, observing Mandar's nervousness. Those powerful shoulders, those full lips ... did Mandar have any idea what he was doing to Farhad?

"Yes, Farhad, I do." It was himself that Mandar didn't trust. Throughout the day, memories of being touched by Farhad had thrilled him. Farhad's support as he faced the reporters ... hugging Farhad in his excitement ... He had to remind himself that he had held Pallavi in his arms, he had promised to look after her ... or he would find himself remembering how Farhad had listened to his experiences, understood him, wanted a chance with him ...

"Then help me to be a trustworthy friend to Pallavi jī. She deserves to know what I know about you, that you're not made for her. I don't want to hurt you, Mandar, by telling her myself. I know that it should be your choice to come out, and you don't think there's a place for your truth in your family. I want your place to be with me, and Pallavi jī would never choose to be in our way. She knows that I'm a gay man, and she is supportive. And her friend Devayani is a lesbian woman, isn't that right?"

"Yes, Devayani and Rashmi are a couple, and Pallavi supports them totally. She even used to help them to meet secretly." Mandar could not argue against anything that Farhad had said. He knew that Dr. Ramya would not approve of him giving Farhad a chance to persuade him. He should be talking to Amma, or to Vishnu, his sponsor. Yet he wanted his place to be with Farhad too, immoral though it would be. What if he could go back on his word to Pallavi without embarrassing himself and her in front of the whole world? If he asked, would Farhad agree to meet secretly?

"Pallavi jī was badly embarrassed today," Farhad spoke again after several minutes of silence. "I know that she has been crying, and you comforted her. I don't want to deprive her of you when she needs you and your family. If she feels like crying again tonight, I will listen too. Mandar, tell me, how should I feel, listening to Pallavi jī and living with her day by day as she develops a habit of relying upon you? Do you know what I felt today, watching you holding her hand, and putting your arm around her, and chatting with her elders, as if you can be happy with her?"

Farhad realized that his choice of words made his concern for Pallavi sound more like jealousy. Well, he admitted, he was jealous! Farhad ached to make Mandar feel more intensely than whatever he was experiencing with Pallavi. Of course, Farhad didn't resent Pallavi; she had suffered enough, and she only wanted to reunite her family. Yā Allāh, he prayed, please forgive my selfishness, and give Pallavi Bhābhī a better reward than whatever I want to take away from her.

"I'm sorry, Farhad," Mandar said, looking with fascination at the stormy expression on his friend's face. He had counted on Farhad for wisdom and comfort and unruffled competence, but it was wrong to take him for granted. Farhad had emotional needs too, and seeing him agitated, Mandar wanted to satisfy him and make that kissable frown melt away. "I don't want you to lie for me. I want to be a brave man like you. I just don't think I can live like you."