𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗦 ? (wlw)

⚘᠂ 𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗙𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡

That first flashback only sent me into a spiral of them and my brain had now went back to my previous thoughts I had seemed to avoid. I couldn't catch a break and this only made me groan as all my self-love creeped away from me. I huffed deeply as I ripped my sweatpants from the floor and shoved my legs through the holes. I huffed again as I yanked my shirt over my head and sunk back onto the bed. I found myself fighting away tears as I crawled back over to the middle of my studying circle in a feigned attempt of trying to get work done before once again giving up.

The tears were now bubbling up and I didn't stop them. I was alone and even the logical part of me understood that I needed to cry. It was now all laid out in front of me and I couldn't ignore any of it anymore. Everything had gotten out of hand and I only had myself to blame. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at myself. I was angry that I let my feelings grow so out of control. Why couldn't I just contain it?

It now all caught up. Everything hit me like a truck. I knew what I needed to do and I wasn't prepared. Despite everything catching up to me, I still was at a loss of how to deal with it all and when. I just wanted to be guided through it all but I was alone. I was so alone.

I brought my legs up to my chest and rested my arms over my kneecaps. My head had dropped onto my arms just as the tears came spilling over and began seeping down my cheeks. It was the first thing in a long time that I felt I had control over, so I allowed everything to come out. I wouldn't have been able to stop it anyways, even if I tried to.

Sniffles left my nose, it being a back and forth process, and there was a constant wave and flow of fresh tears, just waiting to erupt. Each second more that passed and my own belittling grew, I only understood more and more that I needed to come clean. I hadn't slept, I had barley ate anything all day, all because of the fucking shit show I should've controlled. It had been too long. Something needed to be said and I was terrified.

Through the sounds of my own misery, the door shutting plastered across my ear drums. The aftermath of the noise, was me looking up and blinking away my tears to try and clear my vision. It didn't work.

"Hey, El! You home?" It was her. Her. The voice I for once, didn't want to hear. It only made me feel all the more distressed.

I heard her unzip her jacket and kick off her shoes while dawdling into my vision.

"Ellie? You-" she had only stopped talking the second her eyes met mine. I didn't know why I wasn't quick to wiping my tears away. Usually, I would've. But today was different. "Oh my God, are you okay? What's wrong?" She came ushering over after that and quickly pushed away some of my school stuff, to sit down on the bed with me.

Concern had flashed upon her expression the instance she saw me, and she quickly sat in front of me, awaiting the explanation she was so curious of.

"El, what happened?" She spoke through softened eyes and worrisome tone while keeping eye contact with me.

Looking at her, only made the inside of me burn even more, her caring nature only adding to my guilt. I was about to ruin everything we had and it was only making the burden so much worse. I looked down, I had to look away from her. She didn't deserve this. I was about to lose her. And how could I possibly look her in the eye when I knew such a thing?

"Ellie, talk to me. What's wrong?" Her voice remained gentle, concerned and thought out. She didn't want to rush me or seem impatient but she wanted to know why I was in such a state.