So many colours in my life

20. Clear white of distance

"Brother Wei!" shouted Nie Huisang and ran into the room like a tornado. He looked all around, searching for the person he had been calling.

Wei Wuxian thought this interruption could not have been timed better. It interrupted the downward spiral of his self-blaming thoughts. And it also served as a break from any further conversation with his siblings.

Wei Wuxian was certain that if he had left the situation continue as it had been, it would not end well. At one point or another, Jiang Yanli or Jiang Cheng would have gone back to the topic of his changed behaviour for sure.

He was feeling so raw and exposed, he would not have been able to hide everything and pretend like the last three months had never happened. He needed some more time to come to terms with everything and fully remember how he should be acting.

Not that he did not like spending relaxing time with his siblings. There was in fact nothing he wanted to do more. It was soothing all his hurts and it was making him forget the horrors of the Burial Mounds. The voices of resentful energy were miraculously also quiet at this time. He could let go of his guard and just feel like at home.

Or so he had though.

Unfortunately, meeting with Jiang Yanli had awoken in him his guilt. Now, he did not think he could continue being with them in the same room. It was too painful. Somehow, it felt like keeping his distance had been a good idea. He should not act carelessly.

Nie Huisang finally stopped looking all around and headed for their table. He darted directly towards Wei Wuxian and kneeled by his side. He looked him up and down with way too attentive eyes. Wei Wuxian did not like it.

For some reason, he seemed overly excited to see him. He was not the same goofy and lax young master who had once studied in the Cloud Recesses. There were now sharp edges where there had once been only soft flesh. Instead of friendly and bored eyes, there were two infinite wells filled with curiosity and sharpness.

Wei Wuxian did not like this change. It was just another example of what the war had done to his friends. However, he could not help but to be fearful of this new version of Nie Huisang.

Despite his previous layback behaviour, Wei Wuxian had never thought of this friend of his as a useless coward or a weakling. He had always suspected that it had been just a front to mislead people into thinking they did not need to keep their guard in front of him.

At this very moment, he could see that he had been right all along. There was a completely new person staring right at him. He would have to be careful, he had a hunch that this Nie Huisang could be dangerous. Especially when it came to the possibility of having his secret discovered and then rumours spreading. He was sure that this part of the old Nie Huisang was still the same.

"Brother Wei!" exclaimed the other as excitedly as ever. "I heard that you have come back. I wanted to see for myself right away. It is good to have you here. It is really you! You are..."

He never got to finish his sentence. It was all because he had extended his hand in an attempt at touching Wei Wuxian's shoulder and never finished his motion.

Wei Wuxian had been extremely surprised by his suddenly attack and avoided the contact. He did not only dodge a little to the side or brushed that hand away. No, he actually overreacted. His mind was still filled with fear of this new sharp Nie Huisang. He could not help himself.

So, he shifted his whole body away, almost as if he was retreating a few steps back should they be standing. He knew immediately that it only raised more grounds for suspicion, but it was already done.

Nie Huisang stopped mid motion. He looked at him with a great deal of surprise and even greater amount of suspicion. Now he had done it, how was Wei Wuxian ever going to explain this? His reaction was clearly over the top.

He had wanted to maintain a distance. Once he had decided that it would be for the best, he was on his guard. He was not going to let himself slip like when he had first met Jiang Yanli.

He was trying to justify his actions to his heart with rational arguments. If he was going to keep his secret, he could not let people see too deep into his heart and soul. Even if he had already showed the cultivation world his powers and control over resentful energy, they had still not seen everything. There was no reason to lead them further into despising and fearing him.

Yes, he was trying to reason with himself, pointedly ignoring the elephant in the room. He put the second, and even bigger reason aside and stopped thinking about it. If he would not let himself admit that he was missing a golden core, then it would be easier to act like he still had it. No one would see anything out of the ordinary and no one would ask.

And he would not have to think about the sore and empty spot that was left behind. As long as he was not thinking about the loss, it did not hurt as much. He was not regretting going through with the operation, after all, Jiang Cheng was now alright and that was what mattered. It was just that sometimes, it came back to him in his dreams. They were not pleasant.

He took his decision in a split second. From now on, he would keep everyone at an arm's length. Not too close but not too far either. He would find the perfect balance to appease their fears and worries while not revealing too much. It would be a win-win situation for everyone.

He laughed awkwardly, hoping to dissolve the dangerous moment. He steeled himself and touched Nie Huisang first. When he was the one to initiate it, there was less chance that his friend would notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Brother Nie," he immediately greeted the other, further distracting him from any ideas of possibly examining closely his lack of spiritual energy. "Long time no see."

He continued smiling as he had done in the past. He had to be at the top of his game if he wanted to mislead him. Luckily, it worked. Nie Huisang smiled as well and greeted back: "Yes, it is nice to see you again."

And then, just like he had expected, Nie Huisang started asking what he had been doing during the three months he had been missing. It was a repeating pattern by now. Wei Wuxian would really have to come up with an excuse and make it public. Otherwise, there would be no end to these questions.

He looked down at the table. His mind was running a thousand miles a second, just to think about something he could say. He could not brush Nie Huisang off as easily and his siblings and Lan Zhan. Perhaps he could have, in the past when Nie Huisang had not been changed yet. But right now, it would not work anymore.

Luckily, he was saved by Jiang Cheng standing up and grabbing Nie Huisang by his arms. Despite the numerous protests, he dragged the young master of the Qinghe Nie sect away from the room. Wei Wuxian was relieved, this gave him at least a little bit more time to think everything through and prepare for the next encounter with someone.

A single faint voice of the resentful energy whispered right into his ear: "And would it not had been easier if you stayed with us in the Burial Mounds? There would be no stupid questions and no friends you need to keep yourself away from. You could have just lived your life freely. We would have taken care of you."

Wei Wuxian shook his head slightly, pointedly ignoring that voice. He was already used to the resentful energy's temptations and empty promises. Everything was better than to stay in the Burial Mounds, surrounded only by resentment and death.

He just had to keep himself far from preying eyes and ears. If he would keep his distance from everyone, then there would be no reason for him to fear anything. Distance was good. Distance was safe.

Even if it felt just a little lonely. There was no gain without a sacrifice. He should be the one to know it the best.