Across From Me

Thirty Five

It would take a while for that to ever happen if it even happens in their lifetime.

And so Clementine's life became a monotonous routine. The same things for breakfast each morning, the same boring schoolwork, and seemingly the same conversations with her peers. Clementine felt as though she had missed something. With the odd way that Beth was acting and a relative feeling of unease that passed through the school one day, Clementine felt like she had something to do.

There were whispers about someone or something, and it hadn't gotten to the point where it had blown into a full-scale rumor. No one knew anything yet, but they suspected something. Clementine saw it many times before, and she didn't care one bit this time. Continued her day with her hands in her jacket pockets and eyes forward. This time she could only hope it wasn't about her or Beth, or her and Beth.

This time was different though. Because that feeling of unease did not subside or reach a boiling point, Clementine was left feeling as though there was something empty and hollow inside her she needed to fill up.

Clementine couldn't figure out what it was, that was until she ran into Ezekiel on a swelteringly hot day for May.

Seeing his face again was odd. Clementine wasn't sure how she felt about it. She thought she was long past it, that she would not let her past self, past feelings, and insecurities control her now. But she felt like she might have taken a step back.

Clementine did not say hi, as she was in the library after school to study, and she saw no reason to come up to him when he also looked busy. She went back to her seat, head down to avoid being spotted. As if he would talk to me anyway, Clementine thought.

To her surprise he did.

"Clementine," Ezekiel said, startling Clementine and pulling her focus from her schoolwork. Ezekiel had a frown on his face, almost as if he was confused, "Hello again."

"Hi?" Clementine replied, puzzled. She wasn't sure why Ezekiel would want to talk to her since the last time they spoke he seemed to make it very clear he no longer wanted to speak to her.

Ezekiel fidgeted in the palace he stood, a nervous habit he had had since childhood, "So," He said, and Clementine waited for him to continue, "I think we should talk."

Clementine nodded in agreement. They should have talked when Clementine was having doubts about herself and her identity, long before she met Celine. But she didn't, of course. She was so afraid of judgment for so long that it controlled her every action back then, "Alright, would you like to speak outside?" Clementine offered, in case they started to speak louder and didn't have to get kicked out of the library.

The two of them left the air-conditioned library to the sweltering heat outside. It was after school, but activities were going to be coming to an end soon, and that would mean that Clementine, and Ezekiel, would have to leave. The sun beat down on the both of them as they stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"I would like to start out by saying," Ezekiel started hesitantly, "That I think I might have been too harsh on you last time we talked," The guilt in his voice was obvious to Clementine now, and she wondered why he would have been beating himself up for this.

Clementine waved her hand, "No no, don't apologize," She replied, "That was all my fault, all that shit I caused years ago. I needed that reality check you gave me," She was trying to assure him, but she could see behind his eyes he didn't believe her.

"I should have handled that better though," He insisted. That was the thing about Ezekiel, she had known him for so long that she knew he beat himself up over things that were not his fault. He got angry, but every human got angry when something like that happened to them, especially when it was someone who they thought was their friend. Clementine wasn't angry at him, and she never was. She was angry at herself. She needed him to tell her how selfish she had been, so she could learn and become better.

"Sure," Clementine said, surprising Ezekiel, "Sure, I guess. Everyone can handle something this way or that way or whatever. But I don't blame you for being angry at me. Like at all. I hurt you, you yelled at me, I went home and reflected. It took a hell of a long time, but I know now and accept what I have done wrong," Clementine paused, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand, "And I get it now, you know, sometimes apologies don't fix things and when someone does you wrong you just feel so angry at them. I get it now. I don't blame you for anything, so don't blame yourself."

The heat and the awkward air were starting to make both of them sweat. Clementine needed a shower, the air was thick and heavy with humidity, making her clothes stick to her skin, "You've gotten very mature very fast. What happened?" Ezekiel asked her, shocked at the emotional transformation Clementine went through.

"I don't know, guess you could say I met someone who made me realize how dumb I was being, along with you, of course," Clementine responded with a shrug of her shoulders. Truth was, it was a long time coming, and if she didn't get it sooner rather than later, she would have been in a worse situation than she was in now.

A silence passed between them, with Ezekiel nodding his head somberly at Clementine's words, "I'm still sorry about our talk you know," He told her, and Clementine shook her head in response. The two of them had moved to lean against the building, under a sort of shaded area to avoid the sun.

"Seriously, don't be sorry, I needed it," She told him, but in his usual stubborn fashion, he didn't believe it, "Anyway, how is Adrian doing?" Clementine asked, trying to change the subject as it had gotten quite awkward in the silence.

"He's well," Ezekiel said with a smile, the mention of Adrian making him happier, "He's been able to spend more time with his mom now," Clementine gave a slight smile. Adrian always used to complain his family never had enough time for him, and now she was happy he was starting to spend more time with them.

"I'm glad for him. He deserves to be happy after all the shit he went through," Clementine meant it genuinely, as Adrian was also one of her good friends for a time, "You do too," She added.

Clementine watched Ezekiel's expression form where she stood. It wasn't unhappy or happy, almost distant, deep in thought. Ezekiel hadn't changed much through the years, he had stuck with the same haircut that had his hair fall on his face, and his clothes remained the same. But despite all of his anxieties and nervous tics, Clementine noticed he now had an air of confidence about him that wasn't there before, "As do you. I'm sorry for all the rumors, all those people treating you like shit. You didn't need that," He told her, and Clementine knew that, but it was nice to hear it from him.

And she remembered why she was there in the first place, "Well, you didn't either, not when I left you behind" Her voice was starting to become quiet and timid, as there was still deep shame in her heart because of her actions, "I should have been there."

"You should have," Ezekiel agreed.

"Are we ever going to be friends again?" Clementine asked, surprising herself. It had been the question that was on the back of her mind when they started this conversation, but she wasn't sure she would have been brave enough to ask it.

Ezekiel did not respond, his eyes downcast and thinking, "I don't know. Maybe one day. When both of us are ready," He said finally, and Clementine was content with that answer. Because even though she knew it was likely they couldn't move past it, that their past mistakes would get in the way of ever being able to feel like normal friends again, she was content with the answer.

"Okay," She said, and silence filled the air once more.