That's not me..this is me.. / Captain Puffy x !ftm oc

- Chapter 13 -

TW - cutt1ng, eating disorder, panic attack

What's up with Puffy?...

Your POV

I woke up around 2am feeling severely dysphoric, and craved something I wasn't allowed to have.

Fuck it, they won't care.

I wriggled out of Puffy's grasp and walked over to my suitcase, retrieving the small bag and going into the bathroom, rolling my sleeve up to see the scars, all of them shut, fuck sake. Luckily now I had a way to see what I loved, and opened the little bag, the blade falling right out and onto the ground. I put the bag down and picked it up. Holding it up to my wrist, I didn't hesitate, my parents abandoned me, what's the point?

I did more than usual this time, 12 instead of just 4, and let me tell you it was the best idea I had this trip. I got up and put the blade on the counter, rinsing the little red marks that now littered my right arm, my dominant arm..

Shit!

Panicking slightly, I reached for the bandages, and wrapped them around as best I could, despite shaking violently as I did so.

I pulled my hoodie sleeve down and washed the blade, accidentally cutting my finger, "Oh for fuck sake" I whispered, sliding the blade back into the bag and rinsing my finger off before going back to bed, just as I dozed off I heard Puffy whisper exactly what I didn't want to hear.

"Oh, y/n..I thought we were progressing bug.."

And the guilt hit me like a tidal wave.

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The next morning Eret came and woke everyone up, I still felt like shit, so I wandered off into the bathroom down the corridor instead of staying with the girls, and got dressed as fast as I could so I could be alone for slightly longer.

As I left the bathroom I was met with George. "Morning y/n!" I forced a smile, "Morning George!". We headed into the kitchen to find Wilbur made waffles. Ten minutes later everyone was together, happily eating and talking. I just felt like I didn't belong there. I ate about half of my waffle before I felt sick, and left the room. Why won't anyone notice?

Puffy's POV

I was upset. Not at y/n, but at his father, and myself. I wasn't there for him when he needed me yesterday, I just watched frozen from the window. Now he's relapsed and I can't do anything about it.

"You alright there Puffy?" Phil questioned. I just looked away and onto the floor. "I'm fine." I said frustrated. "Puffy." He continued, more sternly this time. It took everything in me not to break down right here, infront of everyone, I knew they were staring, I didn't have to look up to determine that. "Puff?" He repeated. "For goodness sake, what?" I said, looking up at him, he sat across the table from me, "Alright, talk." Wilbur said, even more stern than Phil, looking at me and putting his fork down.

"About what" I replied, evidence of annoyance sat in my tone, and I couldn't make it go away.

"What's bugging you" Wilbur said again.

"I told you, it's nothing" I returned my gaze to the floor and refused to meet anyones eyes. I was about to cry. Phil came over and stood behind me, my eyes watered as he tapped my shoulder, I jumped, not expecting the sudden contact, and he pulled his arm away. Great, now I'm sat here on the verge of tears, and embarrassed.

"Puffy c'mon, it really doesn't look like nothing" Phil continued to protest. "Well it is" I continued, still refusing to remove my gaze from the floor. I heard a lot of people leave, I wanted to believe it was to give me space, but my head wouldn't let me.
"You've been off all morning, you haven't eaten, you haven't been engaging in conversations like normal, I haven't seen you smile once. Please just talk to us?" Dream said. I didn't say anything, just put my head in my hands and cried. The room went silent, I've never cried in front of anyone, unless they were positive tears, these weren't. I started panicking as my breathing became uneven. I was stuck here now.

"Puffy? Hey, okay, calm down, you're fine, promise" I heard someone say, before putting an arm around me, again flinching slightly at the sudden contact, they moved their arm a little before putting it back, I was an absolute mess and I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I was having a panic attack, but I was unable to calm down by myself. The chair turned towards the cupboards, and Phil and Wilbur were sat in front of me.

"Can you see us?" Phil asked, I nodded, and the two continued reassuring me.
"Breathe, you're alright"

After a bit I'd finally calmed down. "Do you want to talk about it?" Wilbur asked, his voice a lot more soft than it was before. I looked around to see no one else was here apart from us, so I turned back around and started talking.

"Uh, well it's a certain friend of mine who's going through a rough time mentally, and I know they had a really shitty day yesterday and they relapsed and I can't do anything about it. I just feel helpless against it. I'm doing everything I can but it's really scary, I adore taking care of them it's nothing wrong with them, it's the stress on me that I'm not very good at helping.." I explained, the two looked sympathetic. "And you're allowed to feel that way, but I can promise you that you know exactly how to help people. Remember when y/n passed out when we first got here? I still look up to you for being able to help them, Eret told me all about it" Wilbur said, smiling. I joined in, feeling thankful they understood. They gave me many more reassurances before I left to go hang around with y/n, in all truth I missed him.

I found him sitting in our room on his phone, "Whatcha lookin at?" I said, shutting the door behind me. He looked up and tuned his phone towards me, "Look! Aren't they cool?" He'd shown me a picture of a fluffy short haircut, "That'd look amazing on you, bug" He smiled, 'bug' was a nickname i'd accidentally picked up for him, though he never protested, so it stuck.

I went and layed down on our bed and y/n was instantly at my side, I wrapped an arm around him as he scrolled through different haircuts, saving the ones he liked. Meanwhile, I scrolled through different films on Netflix, and picked a random one that sounded interesting.

However, I got tired after a bit, and put my head ontop of y/n's, praying to god they didn't mind. He didn't, and eventually I fell asleep, just after y/n did.