Exhale, Outer Banks [ 1 ]

023. GRIEF

"God, JJ is gonna kill me. I am so dead. I gotta go. I'll-- I'll see you later." Cordelia says, rushing out.

"Uh... yeah, bye." Fletcher says, despite the girl already being out of the house. "God, just tell her how you feel, idiot." He whispers to himself.

He wishes he could own up to the feelings he's felt for years. Ones he pushed down with annoyance and he tried to ignore. But he knows that ever since third grade, he's been in love with the Maybank girl.

He resents himself for acting any different the past almost decade. Though he very happy that they've finally at least rekindled their friendship, even if they become nothing more.

+++

Cordelia quickly stops at the chateau, jumping off her bike and letting it fall to the floor. She takes a deep breath when she sees JJ's bike, knowing she has to face him now.

"Fuck. You Goddamn idiot." She whispers to herself, wincing because she knows he's probably super pissed.

Cordelia braces herself and walks up the porch, opening the screen door, walking into the house.

JJ -- who is pacing the floor, his hands buried in his hair -- stops and turns at the noise. His eyes that are full of worry contort to eyes full of relief, but anger quickly replaces them. Worry quickly overcomes him again, checking her for any injuries, but finding none.

"Are you okay?" JJ asks.

Cordelia nods.

"Good." JJ sighs, rubbing his temples. "Because what the hell were you thinking?!" He asks, his voice loud. "Where the fuck were you all night?!"

"I-- I fell asleep on the beach." Cordelia says quietly, her anxiety spiking the longer she's facing an angry JJ.

"You--" JJ stops, looking as he's trying to process her statement. "You--" He lets out a cold chuckle. "You fell asleep on the beach?" He echoes. Cordelia nods. "Asleep? On the beach?"

"Yes, Jayje. I fell asleep on the beach." Cordelia repeats.

"Are you fucking insane?!" JJ yells. "Do you know what could've happened? How dangerous that is? I mean between the Camerons and-and Barry or-- or if some psycho killer found you. Are you that stupid?!"

"Look, it-it was a mis-mistake. An-An accident. I... I'm sorry." Cordelia says, feeling tears prick her eyes, worried that this may yell in hurtful words neither of them mean.

"Oh, you're sorry? Yeah, that makes it all better. You know, it's not like I was awake all night thinking about you possibly being dead in a ditch or anything. You know, maybe you got shot by Rafe. But you're sorry. So it's all good, right?" JJ retorts sarcastically.

"Wh-What else d-do you want me to-to say?" Cordelia asks.

"I don't fucking know, Cordelia." JJ grumbles, pressing his palms into his eyes. Cordelia's heart cracks at the use of her full name. It's never good when he uses her full name.

"I-I had a lot on my-my mind, and I just... I was tired. I... I fell asleep." Cordelia says. "It-It hasn't been easy an-and I--"

"Don't you think I know that? You're not the only one fucking grieving here." JJ snaps.

"I-I know. I didn't mean-- I-- Jayje, I-I--"

"Fuck it. I have to go work." JJ says, cutting her off. "I'm already late." He grabs his stuff, refusing to look at his sister's watery eyes. JJ walks to the door, knocking into Cordelia which sends her stumbling back a bit, watching as he storms out of the house.

+++

When JJ returns home from work, he finds Cordelia curled up on the couch and watching a movie on the iPod. If she hears him over the earbuds, she makes no sign of doing so.

JJ sits on the coffee table in front of her, not doing anything until he has somewhat of an idea on how to form his words. He notices she's wearing one of John B's jackets, his heart cracking at the reminder of his best friend.

JJ clears his throat, preparing himself to talk. He gently yanks the earbud out of Cordelia's ear, getting her attention. She takes the other earbud out and pauses the movie. She plays with the ends of the jacket sleeves, not wanting to make eye contact with her brother.

"Cordi, I... I'm sorry. I should've reacted better earlier. It just... I was worried and-and I was scared that something... actually, no. I was full out terrified something happened to you." JJ says, a sad chuckle leaving his lips, making Cordelia feel guilt seep in.

"And I just-- between that and-and everything else, I... I exploded. I burst, it all came out, and it was directed at you. And I'm sorry." He tells her, Cordelia able to tell he's sincere. "But you really can't do that. You-- You can't go for a bike ride and then not answer your phone all night. You can't fall asleep at the beach."

"I know. I'm sorry, too." Cordelia tells him. Only she knows that part of her apology is for the lying he isn't aware that she's doing. And the fact that he had to worry while she was actually perfectly safe last night. "I'm sorry for not answering my phone or even being the one to call you or anything. I know it was stupid."

"Look, I'm gonna get very, very serious." JJ says.

"Because this isn't serious enough for you?" Cordelia asks jokingly making JJ roll his eyes.

"I'm being for real, okay?" He says and Cordelia nods. "I can't... look, I... I can't lose you. Okay? It... it would kill me. Especially after JB and Sarah. It's just... you're my baby sister and, you know, uh... I-I just... I've spent my whole life protecting you and... and losing you would just... just make me feel like I failed, so... so don't die on me, okay?"

"As long as you don't die on me." Cordelia counters.

JJ lets out the tiniest of chuckles before holding his pinky out. Cordelia smiles a little and hooks her pinky around his. They finish the promise by doing their sibling handshake.

"I love you, doofus." JJ tells her.

"I love you too, jerkface." Cordelia replies.