Petal [h.s.]

THIRTY-FOUR - MOTH TO A FLAME

"I'm scared you're going to tense up as soon as I tell you. That you won't want me to touch you anymore when you know the things I've done." He whispered and I frowned at him, shaking my head.

"That won't happen." I said firmly.

I was practically a professional at this point. Someone could waltz into Apartment X, tell me they had deprived fantasies that made their partners leave in disgust and I wouldn't flinch, wouldn't blink. I was numb to everything. Unless he was about to confess to being a serial killer, I didn't think there was anything he could say to me that would make me react. Especially considering I felt more connected to him than I had to the other people I'd been with here.

He averted his gaze, "But it's-"

"Hey." I said again, my voice stern, "Look at me."

His eyes slowly fluttered back up to mine. I reached up and cupped his face in my palm, brushing my thumb across the corner of his mouth.

"It's safe here." I whispered to him, "It's what this place is for. Secrets and safety, away from all the judgment in the world. You can tell me anything you want to tell me. It's not my place to judge you and I'd never make it my place to do so."

He softened. Melted, like butter. His tense form relaxed against me, his eyes going all gentle and watery as they studied my own. He slid his fingers up my back to the ends of my hair and tangled his fingers into them before he continued to talk.

"My addiction got to be really bad. I couldn't do anything without being high. I learned to function under the influence, so I thought that I could do anything I wanted. One night, I was at a party that one of my dad's clients was throwing, and my parents got drunk. I told them... I told them I could drive us home. But I shouldn't have." His fingers tightened in my hair and I could feel him trembling in my arms.

"I swerved into oncoming traffic. Hit another car head on... me and my dad had some broken bones, bruises and cuts, nothing irreparable. But my mum... my mum was dead. She wasn't wearing her belt and was thrown from the car." He swallowed harshly, his eyes going all cloudy.

My heart was pounding. I couldn't imagine the guilt he was feeling, couldn't imagine living with that type of pain. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't think it could get any worse, but he kept talking. And it did.

"I hit a father and son." His bottom lip quivered, his eyes getting so full of tears that I knew he was going to burst open, "The teenage son was driving. He just got his permit and his dad let him drive late at night because there was less traffic, to get practice in. The son... his legs... he was..."

"I've got you. I'm here." I whispered to him, pulling him closer and reaching up to brush my fingers over the back of his neck.

He shut his eyes, but tears fell from them, running down his cheeks. He looked so worn down in that moment, so exhausted from carrying all of the weight of what he did. I didn't know how to lighten his load. I was sure he didn't want me to try. I was sure he just wanted someone to be there.

"He was paralyzed." He choked out, the words spitting from his lips as he broke down into sobs. He fell against me heavily, burying his face into the crook of my head, "I ruined his life. I ruined his fucking life. I killed my mum and I ruined a kid's life and I got away with it. My dad covered it all up, he paid people off, he paid everyone off... I got a slap on the fucking wrist. I don't know how to live with this. I don't know if I... if I want to live with it."

"I know. I know." I murmured to him, still stroking the back of his neck, moving my fingers up and down through his hair. He cried harder, his arms clinging to me, wrapped around me tight.