The Lovely Wounds (SpaMano)

Bastard, It's Not Love

Lovino stared at him confused. What had he said? He didn't understand it. A moment later, Antonio laughed.

"Don't worry about it, Lovino. You will learn one day," he said kindly.

The Italian shook his head, frustration ebbing into his mind. But it didn't matter what Antonio had said. There were more pressing matters that Lovino had in mind. Like what exactly had happened to him. Antonio had to have been able to read minds.

"You want to know what went on out there, don't you?" he asked, his expression darkening. Lovino nodded slightly, his hands curling into fists. "Your friend came to my door, Lily. She was frantic and... Barefoot. She had said her friend was walking out into the ocean trying to kill himself. At the end of fall, I thought that was just crazy, but I followed her anyways. She was a fast little bugger, but I managed to keep up. When she couldn't see you from her height she panicked and called your name. I realized... It was you, and I couldn't just stand there.

"I bolted for the water. It was cold. Really cold, but I didn't think about it. I was more concerned with getting you out. You couldn't really hear me, but I called for you... I really did. After that wave crashed on you, I thought you had died. I had given up hope so quickly... I just thought I'd find you body to bring it back. But people had stopped me. At first I thought Lily must have called the police, but I was wrong. My neighbor did. He was the chief of police in the city, Aldrich Beilschmidt, better known as Gil and Ludwig's grandfather. He over heard Lily when she explained everything to me. You grandfather said he is the one who called the police. Aldrich was at the beach with emergency crews in only a few minutes. They led me out of the water so they could search.... God, I felt so empty. I felt like it was my fault. And seeing Feli balling and your grandfather barely managing to keep his composure... It made everything worse.

"Their appearance also gave me hope. They had demanded to see you. And the paramedics said that you were barely alive. In the scarce moments between when they had led me from the water and finished looking me over, they had found you and brought you back... They revived you on the water. You were dead for at least ten minutes... But they managed to bring you back with no brain damage at all. They said you were determined..."

Lovino couldn't help but stare at Antonio with wide, startled eyes. He had been dead. Antonio had come after him. He had scared his family so, so much. Oh God. What had he done? He'd caused so many people to worry, to risk themselves for him. Lovino felt so horrible.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Antonio," he whispered, looking down to his hands. He slowly pulled one knee to his chest, his eyes averted away from Antonio.

"For what?" The Spaniard seemed puzzled. Why didn't he just understand?

"For making you come after me. For being so stupid. For hurting my family..." Lovino whispered. "I'm so selfish, and I never think for anyone but myself. I'm so pathetic, and no one will ever love me."

"I do," Antonio whispered under his breath. He looked at Lovino with caring eyes. God, had Antonio just said he... Loved him? Oh God.

Lovino didn't know how to react. He reacted the only way he figured would work. "Why the fuck would you love someone like me, bastard?"

Antonio laughed a little, his eyes looking down. "Because. I see everything behind your eyes, Lovino. I see the hurt and confusion that you don't want others to see. I see that you want to be strong, but you're just so tired. I can tell that you want to have fun, but you can't see to because after so long, you just have to take responsibility for your baby brother. You crave something that you don't have to watch over, something to watch over you."

Those words, they were so true. They left Lovino in a stunned silence. He looked to his lap, one arm wrapped tightly around his raised leg. Antonio loved him. It was too good to be true. But it couldn't be true. Lovino was no good for Antonio. He was kind and selfless and brave and everyone loved him. Lovino was bitter and selfish. He had no friends. He was no good for the Spaniard. He couldn't let poor, delusional Antonio think he actually loved Lovino. No. There was no way. He'd up and leave Lovino just as he was beginning to get attached. He'd see Lovino as everyone else did; cruel and heartless. No. He couldn't suffer that sort of pain, the pain of rejection and loss. He had only one choice in this matter.

"I don't feel the same way about you," Lovino said softly. "I won't ever feel the same way about you. I'm not gay, and I won't ever be. I like girls."

Antonio smiled bitterly, his expression downcast. "Oh. I understand," he said softly with a slight nod.
"It's best that you don't keep your feelings for me. Nothing good will come from them if I don't love or even like you back." The words were lies, but they were for his and Antonio's own good. But why did they hurt so much?

"I-I understand. I'm sorry I said anything," Antonio said softly, turning away from Lovino.

It took everything Lovino had to stop himself from reaching out to Antonio, to stop himself from confessing to his lies. He only laid back down against his pillows, his hands curled into fists. Antonio wouldn't understand why Lovino was really doing this. He couldn't ever know why.

Antonio left Lovino's bedside and crossed the divider to get to his own half of the room. He had said nothing more to Lovino. He didn't even acknowledge when Grandpa Roma and Feliciano walked into the room, tears in their eyes.

"I thought you were dead, Lovino! And I was so scared that I'd never see you again!" Feliciano cried, burying himself into Lovino's shoulder. He let him cry, patting his brother's back. How could he ever abandon his little brother?

"I'm sorry, Feli..." Lovino whispered despite his burning throat. "I didn't think..." That was right. He didn't think.

"No! I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you! I didn't know you were depressed!" Feliciano explained, his voice frantic. "I love you Lovino! Don't ever try to kill yourself again!"

"I love you, too, Feli..." Lovino whispered, his voice pained.

Feliciano managed to pry himself loose from Lovino when Grandpa suggested he go find Lovino some dinner. Once they were alone aside from Antonio's presence on the other half of the room, Roma pulled Lovino into a bruising hug.

"I'm sorry, Lovino..." he whispered, holding his grandson tightly in his arms. "I didn't know you were depressed. I didn't understand. I just... I don't know what I'd do if lost you, too... I've already lost your mother and grandmother. I can't lose one of my grandsons..."

A stabbing pain wedged itself into Lovino's heart. He had never seen Grandpa so vulnerable. He had never seen Grandpa so broken. It made him feel so horrible.

"It's my fault... I never let you in," Lovino whispered.

"No. It's my job to notice these things. I'm your Grandfather. I should know this and I didn't. It's not your fault, Lovino..."

Lovino couldn't stand to see his Grandpa like this. He was supposed to be the anchor of the family, not the one that was apologizing. Lovino hugged his grandfather back tightly, tears welling in his eyes.

Today, Lovino had hurt so many people. He hurt Feliciano by nearly making him lose the only person he could truly trust and rely on. He had hurt Grandpa Roma by nearly adding himself to the list of those he had lost to death. He had hurt Antonio by denying that he loved him. He hurt himself by denying himself the only person he had ever felt anything more than friendship towards. Oh God, what was he doing to himself? The lies were just building up, and they'd only consume Lovino until he was nothing more than a shell of a being.