Everything

XLIX

He frowned, running a hand through his hair, "It's...it's not like that."

"Then what the hell is it like, hm, Spence? You've broken out of a hospital, for Christ's sake, you've got a whole f*cking trauma unit looking for you. I've had your mother crying on the phone, I've never seen your brother so worried in my entire life, and I'm somehow meant to hold this all together while you run off without so much as a 'see you later'? And now I'm here, chasing you, making sure you're okay - when you had the audacity and the sheer gall to say I don't love you enough for this?!"

Spencer's hospital gown was blowing in the wind. I was desperate to wrap him up warm, but I stood my ground, lip trembling from my emotion.

"It's just not the same anymore," he replied, expression bleak, "I mean, how could it be? Adriana, I'm a sick person now. I'm not...I'm not the man you married. I'm not the man you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. I'm...in this chair, whether we like it or not. And like I said back in that hospital room, you'll hate me for it. Not now, sure. Sure you won't.

"But when you soar even higher. Because you will. You're destined to, you always were," his voice cracked, and he looked away, "You're going to have so many opportunities, so many chances to shine. And when it's time for all that, you shouldn't have to say no because you have to look after your husband in a wheelchair. You're not someone who should be held down or detained. Not ever. I refuse to be your cage, Adriana. That's one thing I'll never be."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He really meant all this. But what was scary was the fact he actually believed it.

"What's so difficult to understand, Spencer?" I questioned, "No, really, because I---if someone asked me how long you'd known me, I'd say eight...nearly nine years. But from what you've just said, it's like you don't know me at all."

He frowned.

"My world starts and ends with you," I said, "That's non-negotiable. And there's no point in any of it, any of the success, any of the money, any cover of any magazine, any exclusive interview, without you at the end of the day to tell me you love me. Spencer, I love you so much. I vowed to love you for my whole life. And nothing could ever change that. Not this wheelchair, hell, not even if you grew another leg or eye. I don't want to do any of this...this life... without you."

He was conflicted, I could see it. His eyes drifted over to the jet and then back to me.

"It isn't---fair." he settled on the final word at the last second, "I can't be the man you deserve, don't you see that, Adriana? I have to go."

Those words knocked the wind out of me all over again, "Don't you want me anymore?" I could barely get the words out...they were a whisper.

Spencer swallowed, pulling himself upright in the chair, every muscle tense and tight, his face blank, "It's not about what I want. That's where I've gone wrong in the past. It's about what's right."

He was taking my heart right in the palm of his hands and crumpling it. And he was doing it all looking directly at me.

"I will always love you, Adriana, that is never going to change," he said, grasping the wheels of the chair, "And that's why this is so necessary."

"Why can't you let yourself be happy? Just for once?" the tears welled in my eyes, one breaking free over my lash line and spilling onto my cheek, "Is it so hard?"

His lips pressed into a thin line, "You have been everything to me, my whole universe for eight years. And maybe that was unhealthy, hm? Maybe that's why this hurts more than any f*cking car accident, or any blow. But why change the habit of a lifetime? I'm not doing this so I can be happy, Adriana. It was never about that. None of it has ever been about that. It's so you can be happy."