Betrayal of the Black

fifty

"Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night," she apologised.

Guilt tore up her stomach at rejecting his touch, knowing that the act had been innocent concern. Not only that, but she feared that her dream had violated him in some way. She loved him, but he was still her best friend. Even if the line between platonic and romantic was beginning to blur, there was still very much a line.

His jaw clenched. "You haven't slept well for the past two weeks."

"You know," she stated more than asked. Of course he knew.

It was New Year's Eve, officially past her one-year anniversary of her kidnapping and torture. She knew this was coming, except a small part of her had hoped they would leave this conversation unsaid. Everything in her cooled at the thoughts of her nightmares.

"I saw the look in your eyes. That alone was enough to tell me they had returned. There was also the fact that I went from hearing every breath you took, every shift you made, every mutter you said, to hearing nothing. I'm not an idiot. I knew you were putting up the Muffliato Charm," he explained.

"And you didn't say anything?" she questioned, though not unkindly.

"I know you like to think I'm some overbearing prick, but I have boundaries. You weren't in the right emotional state to talk about it, so I wasn't going to make you," he said.

"I still don't think I'm in the right emotional state," she admitted.

"No, you're probably not, but in all likelihood, you never will be," he replied. "If you really don't want to talk about this, I'll drop it. But we both know you're not going to talk to Draco about this, and there's no way in hell you're going to talk to Regulus about this. I'd ask for you to speak with Pansy or Blaise, but obviously they're not here."

"Fine, we'll talk about this," she said.

His eyebrows raised marginally, clearly surprised she had agreed so easily. She picked up her tea from the counter and took a sip.

"My nightmares returned, yes. My kidnapping scarred every part of me, and I don't ever think I'll be the same again, but I like to pretend I didn't change because admitting that means that I have to admit that everything in my life got fucked up from the decision I made to become a Death Eater. Sometimes I question if I made the right the decision sans all that, but then at other times I find joy in the corrupt things we do. I don't know who I am and what decisions I made to make me the person I've become," she said.

He gave her a droll look. "Did you have to be so blunt about it?"

"You asked me about my feelings, and I told you. Would you rather me be cryptic? Oh, Theo, some nights I feel as if my skin is naught but a placebo in my sentience of agony," she said sarcastically.

"I don't know if I'm regretting asking about your emotions or glad that you opened up," he said.

"Both. Can we move on?"

"If I speak, will you interrupt me?" was his answer.

She took a large sip of her tea before placing it onto the counter behind her. Observing the boy in front of her, she knew whatever advice he gave would help her. Except, she wanted to live in ignorance for as long as she could.

Closing her eyes for a second, she let herself live in blissful ignorance for a moment longer. She sighed defeatedly and shook her head.

"No, I won't interrupt you, Theo," she said softly.

"Alright, I'm going to be just as blunt as you. Stop thinking what-ifs. What happened has happened, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I don't give a shit who you were or who you might have been if things had been different. All that matters is who you are now. Do you understand how much I respect and admire you? Nothing you did, or could do, would ever change that."