Starting Over

Chapter 34: The Real Taylor Rae Lawson

Once we make it upstairs I've decided that I'm going to tell him everything. Let all the skeletons out of the closet. Maybe it will let me heal. Maybe my scars will finally heal if I let the skeletons out of the closet. Maybe I won't have to wear my Apple Watch and bracelets all the time. Maybe just maybe my heart will heal too. Maybe the guilt will die. Maybe the blame will go away. There's a lot of unanswered maybes, that have been wanting answers for a while now.

Once we make our way upstairs. We both take a seat on the bed. I don't snuggle close to Chase because if I did I wouldn't be able to give him the bad parts.

"I was very lucky. At three months old I met my best friend, my soulmate." As I talk I look straight ahead at the painting on the wall. "She liked me for me, not because I was a Lawson, but because we grew up together. So she knew the real me. We weren't perfect. We had our bad days. Bad days together, bad days alone. She was still my Sky. No matter what she did. In middle school their were the girls we called them snotty girls."

I now know that snobby and snotty are two different things.

"I was an all star when it came to volleyball. Knew it like the back of my hand. Skylar was good at it too. I begged her to join the team. I didn't want to be left alone with the snotty girls. So she tried out and we both made it because back then everyone was allowed on the team. So me and Skylar are great at volleyball and she gets better as the years go on. My sophomore year of high school we get this new guy, Jake Thomas. We were friends at first, nothing more, but by the time Junior year rolls around we develop feelings. We date Junior year and halfway through senior year, then break up. I was better than Skylar at volleyball. So I had more offers."

I think back at my excitement when I got the one letter I wanted. "I got an offer to play for Washington. I was so excited when I got the offer. Skylar only got one offer. Kentucky. She begged for days. We had arguments. But I finally settled for my best friend."

If I would've went to Washington she would still be alive.

"So we go to Kentucky. Jake and I get back together. Freshman year is the best year of life. I'm killing it with my bestie. We win an SEC volleyball championship. Sophomore year approaches, New Years Eve Jake's frat is hosting a party. I find Jake standing outside his bedroom door standing somewhat on guard. I'm wasted and have to pee so bad. So I push my way through Jake. What I walk in on, was awful. Jake's roommate was on top of a very wasted Skylar. She was halfway naked. I was pissed at Jake. I didn't talk to him for a while. Skylar acted like nothing had happened. I didn't know if she forgot or what. But when I found out from her she wasn't drunk. Jake swears it wasn't like that but I don't what to believe."

March 6th.

"March 6th, Skylar's 19th birthday. I couldn't find her anywhere. Jake wasn't answering his phone. So I went to Jake's frat. He had a girl in his bed, not just any girl my best friend. Skylar. I broke up with him right then and there. I was so mad at Skylar I didn't talk to her for a week. In high school when things would get too tough I would result to any drug. Any drug that could help me. Things were getting tough for me and I couldn't take it. I start sleeping around. Skylar and I made up, but our friendship wasn't the same I mean it could never be the same."

I had to get help in high school because I had a problem. I never want to be that girl again. That Taylor again.

"So I started sleeping with randoms and pop pills with them. Until April 30th. April 30th, I didn't pop a pill. I just drank that night. I told my hookup I didn't want to sleep with him. I just wanted to talk and he told me that wasn't the type of guy he was. So I crawled on the hostesses couch and planned to sleep there until morning. Until I was sober. The girl knew Skylar, and knew she was best friend. So, she called her. Skylar came and got me. Skylar put me in the backseat and we left. She was doing everything right on the road. Nothing wrong. This driver can out of nowhere when we had the right away. It was a hit and run. The guy is still out there. Skylar didn't survive by the time the ambulance got there. I don't remember anything else accept for waking up in a hospital bed and being told I wasn't allowed at the funeral. That broke me."

The tears are falling now. Chase reached out to comfort me but I pushed him away I need to get this all out.

"Before we ever got hit, Skylar made me promise I would never go back to the old Taylor. The drug Taylor. I broke her promise. The drugs would make me forget. Help me sleep. I got addicted again. So I was sent to a place. A home. I got clean and then I had to keep seeing the therapist. His name was Dr. Willis. Dr. Willis emotional tore me down. He said it was apart of the process, but in the end it made me feel worse. He said things to me that should never be said. I don't want to go into details because that trauma is fairly new. I became scared of men. I told my family what happened. My mom and Seth believed me. Then my dad got in my moms head and only Seth believed me."

I take off my bracelets. "I made an awful decisions. I decided I didn't want to live anymore. So I slit my wrist. My scars are still healing. Seth saved me. I had lost a lot of things in a matter of months. I didn't think my life was worth living for anymore. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I got sent back to Dr. Willis but I knew in my head I was living Kentucky. So I wasn't scared of him because he can't hurt me here. I left Kentucky and tried so hard not to look back."

I left out a few details but their not that important.

"That's my story. The real Taylor Rae Lawson Story. I have a lot of issues and I get it if you want me to leave and you don't want to see me anymore. Like I said when I let people in they get scared and run."

Chase just pulls me close to me. "You've been through so much. You're so strong. I told you I'd never let you go and I mean it."

Butterflies. Some times the littlest words say the most.
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Published: 3/26/22 at 10:16pm

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