My Mad Fat Diary

Rae and the Gang

I'm Rae, I'm from Lincolnshire, I'm 16 years old, 16 stone and certified mad (well, for a bit). Have recently become inexplicably surrounded by total hotties but I have all the sexual experience and romantic pull of a slug. Yep, we're talking about me. Welcome to the social train wreck that is my life.

I am now going to introduce you to the coolest people on the earth well except n and that was my mum.

Chloe,16, is my longest-serving, technically "best" friend and "best" is the right word for it. She's skinnier, more popular and better looking than me. No human can compete with her boobs. No one.

Just because he owns a leather jacket, Finn,17, thinks he's the Morrissey of Stamford. Walks around with a face like a slapped arse most of the time. Annoyingly, even with his grump-eyes on, he still manages to be a TOTAL Lincolnshire hot-pot and lady-part-tingler on legs.

Archie,17,So hot I literally want to wrap myself around his face like an angry, horny octopus. I don't even care that he likes to recite quotes from dead historical figures, I could watch his mouth move forever. When he plays the guitar I cry ACTUAL sex-tears.

Chop,17, Definition: Total. Lad. Credentials: Will snort condiments for fun and knows how to organise a seriously sexy party. His softer side might be hard to see but I know it's there, under all the spliff-ends and empty bottles of Hooch. Totally has the horn for Izzy, even if he doesn't know it yet

Izzy,16,Probably the happiest person I've ever met. Apart from when I met Mr Blobby at a fete in 1992, and that was fucking terrifying. She's never going to win a Nobel Prize or know her nine times table, but she knows how to bring the party. And that's what's important.

Lovely, damaged Tix,15, The world was horrible to her so she hid herself away from it in the local psych-ward. Except now she can't get out. Two things to know about Tixie: she has the largest collection of toothbrushes of anyone I know, and she hates being touched. Don't touch her. Ever. Not there, not anywhere.

Danny,19,Sweet, generous and loves to dispense dating advice. Wears two hats to stop people interfering with his brain waves. Unsurprisingly, a long-term resident of the crazy-ward. Don't let him come to your parties.

Mum,40'sHas all the parenting skills of a multi-pack of Wagon Wheels. No wonder I'm messed up when all she does is yo-yo diet in order to sex-up stray Tunisians. If I tried really hard I could probably think of ONE nice quality but I'm not going to because it's the middle of the night and I can currently hear her humping next door.

Kester, 40's,Never thought I'd say this about someone as old as my mum, but Kester is moderately cool. On the scale of Damon Albarn to the Spice Girls, he's a Thom Yorke. It's encouraging to have a therapist whose life is as fucked up as yours. The kind of guy who would punch a pigeon in the face for shitting on him.