My Mad Fat Diary

Only days out..

Diary,

Only days out of the mad house and already I'm being plagued by feverish Archie-related dreams. One of them involved me jumping his bones so hard he turned into ACTUAL SEX DUST. Worryingly, all of the rest featured me kidnapping him in a variety of ways and forcing him to be my sex-slave. Diary, you can never accuse me of under-sharing. Climb into my mind and be glad you don't have eyes, for the heat of my lust would undoubtedly melt your retinas.

1) I'm lurking high up in a tree with an Archie-sized net. Just as he comes into range my branch emits an ominous creak and all 25 stone of us comes crashing down onto Archie's head. He dies, horribly.

2) By way of a trap I have ordered a life-size cut-out of Pamela Anderson and am hiding behind it in the leisure centre car park, waiting for Archie to come out. One look at her boobs and he comes running over, only to be taken out by a speeding van. He dies, messily.

3) I am inexplicably dressed as a panda, the least sexually vivacious animal on Earth. Archie stops to ask me why I'm dressed as panda when, out of nowhere, a real bear comes charging down Stamford high street and mauls him. He dies, painfully and more than a little confused.

I'm not great at interpreting dreams but it seems that any attempt to take Archie out by force will only result in his untimely destruction. Perhaps I should stick to more legal methods of seduction.